Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 13, 2017

November 28, 2017

Maybe dad is just a little nostalgic and grumpy but, with the unrest facing the NFL these days, wouldn’t it be nice and calming if head coaches went back to wearing suits, hats and overcoats on the sideline? Dignified leadership!

It’s getting tiresome seeing grown men dressed like fans who maxed out their credit cards at the team shop maniacally screaming into headsets on the sideline. Besides, as any dad will tell you, a properly tailored suit can hide some of those pounds we tend to put on through the years. Everybody wins.

Anyway, here are the pin point predictions and low down dirty locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Rams beat Cardinals. America’s Got Talent winner Sean McVay doused with Gatorade after winning The Teams That Abandoned St. Louis Bowl.
• Alexa is arrested for murder. A drunken Ravens will say, “Alexa, make Joe Flacco disappear” too close to the speaker. Alexa obliges.
• Frosted mugs. Taking a sip of beer so cold there’s a sliver of ice in it, nirvana!
• A neighbor will throw the red challenge flag at your nachos (not enough cheese/chip). Mike Pereira will agree on-air from the FOX studio — get more cheese.
• The Bills are called for blocking in the back on every kick return vs. the Patriots. Somehow the refs miss the New England cover teams wearing their jerseys backwards.

• $530 billion: Projected increase in America’s Gross Domestic Product if the Bill Belichick/Bernie Sanders tax and health care plans are enacted. Bill Bernie 2020!
• .5: Pages in the Bears offensive playbook.
• 3: Times you run into Jon Gruden at Hooters. The waitress says he never leaves.
• 8.5: New Michael Crabtree game worn chains suddenly available on eBay from a mysterious person known as “Taquib Alib.”
• 2: Flea flickers this week. These are fun! Try them more often you offensive gurus.