With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- The Browns (-6.5) over the Bengals. Browns/Bengals Rd. 2! Who’s not good at making adjustments? Any coaching staff infected with Hue (3-36-1 as Browns’ head coach) Jackson on it. In the playoff mix, Cleveland fans will enjoy a 45-21 win and another great yet awkward Baker Mayfield post-game handshake with his ex-coach.
- The 49ers (+4) over the Bears. ‘Frisco is frisky, fa la la la la! The Bears are Kings of the North as House Chicago clinched the division with back to back Game of Thrones-level violent wins over the Rams and Packers. This trip west screams let down, Bears eke out a 21-20 win.
- The Bills (+13) vs. the Patriots. Don’t fall prey to all the ex-Pats that have infiltrated sports TV (Bruschi, Woody, Harrison, etc.) telling you New England is OK. They are not. The Bills have the #2 “D” in the NFL and Josh Allen is the most dynamic young QB since Willie Beamon of the Miami Sharks in “Any Given Sunday.” That Sunday is here: Bills 23, New England 17.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The Giants (+9.5) vs. the Colts. With Odell ailing and Eli Eli-ing, poor Saquon Barkley is left to carry the load vs. the Colts top 10 “D.” He’ll find the endzone once on a screen pass where he eludes all 11 Indy defenders and a few of their cheerleaders, but Luck & Co. stay hot: 25-10 Colts.
- The Saints (-6) vs. the Steelers. The Steelers, seeking a division title, get back to basics: let Big Ben loose on Bourbon Street for a night of Hurricanes and Po’ Boys and trouble. Hungover Roethlisberger leads Pittsburgh to a 29-21 win over New Orleans and their recently stumbling offense.
- The Ravens (+4.5) vs. the Chargers. Raven QB Lamar Jackson averages 17 carries a game. The previous QB record is 10 a game. Everyone is telling him to pump the brakes. Michael Vick. His mom. Oprah. He’s due for a KO vs. a San Diego team getting Melvin Gordon back, Chargers 27-13.
THE PERSON WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Jared Goff, QB, Rams. The man went from an MVP candidate to missing person in two weeks following two straight losses (no TD passes/six INTs), and the Rams aren’t even the best team in LA anymore.
It’s not all on Goff, however, as it looks like Boy Genius Sean McVay has run out of creative plays. Take a look at this 3rd quarter series from last week’s loss to Philly:
1st down – Everybody go long, linemen try and block somebody
2nd down – Fullback stumble around like a drunk
3rd down – Punter jubilee!
4th down – Wait, we have another down? Well, shoot, I guess left tackle screen?
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
Derrick Henry, RB, Titans. Some players come alive for the actual playoffs. Henry has come alive for the fantasy playoffs. It’s a dream matchup against a Washington run defense leakier than owner Dan Snyder’s adult diaper after he drinks 12 juice boxes during the course of the game.