With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- The Eagles (-6.5) over the Redskins. The defending champs are getting up off the mat and need a win for a shot at the playoffs. Washington just needs to be shot for subjecting humanity to the cavalcade of recycled clowns they’ve trotted out as replacements for Alex Smith at QB the past few weeks. Is it Jason Campbell this week? Eagles 33, ‘Skins 13.
- The Colts (-3) over the Titans. In a matchup where the winner is in the playoffs and the loser goes home, it’s important to remember Andrew Luck’s home is still decorated in Civil War era motif (including an outhouse) and he tries to spend as little time as possible there. He’ll fire off five TD passes in a 42-10 victory that many historians will acknowledge ended the conflict between the states.
- The Packers (-8) vs. the Lions. Aaron Rodgers has performed almost as many miracles as Jesus (Hail Marys, Danica Patrick, a full mustache for Movember) but Sunday this (bleep) gets Biblical: in beating Detroit, he gets the mathematically eliminated Pack into the playoffs as a special exception Wild Card.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The Bucs (+1) vs. the Falcons. The Falcons win this battle of the AFC South dregs 38-31, mercifully ending both teams’ seasons. But there is a silver lining: given these are America’s most well known cities for gentlemen’s clubs, the players can immediately resume their dedicated, heroic efforts to help local young dancing scholars pay their tuition.
- The Cowboys (+6) vs. the Giants. Dallas’ playoff position is set in whatever that mold Jerry Jones’ current face is made from. They’ll be resting players, coaches & cheerleaders as if it’s a pre-season game. Saquon Barkley runs over the Cowboy reserves as Big Blue beats ‘Boys 28-21.
- The Chargers (+6.5) vs. the Broncos. It’s good to see the Chargers getting back to their roots: losing games they’re expected to win down the stretch after ripping off a couple huge road upsets. Plus we have inside info from our guy in Vegas, Eddie “The Mole,” that Phillip Rivers (expecting child #9) is on the take to throw the game to pay for diapers. Broncos roll 33-22.
THE PERSON WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Sebastian Janikowski, K, Seahawks. In his 18th year in the league, the Polish Power is still nailing 55-yard kicks and lookin’ good doing it. He was MVP of Seattle’s office Christmas party playing Santa. But even for a kicker, jogging downfield to cover kicks for almost two decades takes a toll so get this man a case of his favorite suds.
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
Bears Defense/Special Teams. This is a week where the difference between victory and defeat is razor thin so get that extra edge using the “defense wins championships” mantra. Expect at least three Bear interceptions and a return TD as the Vikes’ Kirk Cousins throws up more jump balls per game than an NBA ref does in a full season. And also throw in about 10 Chicago sacks as the sprinkles on this Sunday sundae victory dessert.