With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- A coin toss in the Bills/Lions game (pick). Two classically mediocre and inept teams of blandness battle in Buffalo. Weren’t the Bills in the playoffs last year? A distant memory! The Lions? They can still make the playoffs if just a couple thousand things happen! Just flip a coin, bet the Bills if it’s heads, the Lions if it’s tails. Even the Magic 8-Ball can’t forecast this one, just take a chance and have some fun (just don’t wager junior’s college fund)!
- The Vikings (-8) over the Dolphins. Kirk Cousins is 4-25 vs. winning teams in his career. The Dolphins are, against all logic but thanks to a Patriots’ last second meltdown, a winning team. Miami, however, has been outscored by 55 points on the season which is more reflective of their poor pigskin proficiency. Vikings 35, Dolphins 18.
- The Bears (-5.5) over the Packers. The Pack is in Trubisky Trouble, don’t be deceived by that fool’s gold win over Atlanta last week. Take the points here, Da Bears are rough and ready to route the Lambeau Losers and end their five-game losing streak in the series. Bears 34-13.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The Ravens (-7.5) over the Buccaneers. Even a defense as great as Baltimore can’t adequately prepare for the unpredictability of the Tampa Bay QB situation/mess. Will Winston start, throw a pick and get benched by the 2nd quarter? Will Fitzmagic wave his wizard wing and throw for 400 yards in the second half but lose 12 fumbles? Will they just start three running backs and run the option? Regardless, the Ravens will overcome in a nail biter: 21-20.
- The 49ers (+6) vs. the Seahawks. The Seahawks have the 12th man advantage at home. San Fran has the only 12 men show up for home games disadvantage. Between Carson/Penny/Wilson, look for Seattle to pile up 300+ yards on the ground and pound the 49ers 49-12.
- The Rams (-7.5) vs. the Eagles. A lot of points to give the defending champs especially after spending a couple days at the dentist getting their collective jaws wired shut after taking one on the chin from the Bears Sunday night. Carson Wentz started to look like his old self last week, he’s ready to lead the upset: Philly 38, L.A. 37.
THE PERSON WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Rob Gronkowski, Patriots TE/party guy. He’s taking the heat for not stopping the Miami Miracle. He’s been banged up all year. But his Tide Pod commercials seem to have stopped kids from eating them, so cheers Gronk, may you have a 24-hour bender this week and then recover from your hangover just in time to lead the Pats to their usual win over the Steelers.
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
Amari Cooper, WR, Cowboys. Since being rescued from the Oakland abyss, there has not been a deadlier weapon in the NFL. According to quick review of recent Cowboy highlights, Dak Prescott seems to target him 110% of the time and the Colts allow opposing QBs to complete 72% of their passes. Cooper MAY break fantasy football at the same time he breaks Indy’s will to live.