Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 11, 2017

November 15, 2017

Yee Haw, we got us a classic owner vs. commissioner fight going: Jerry Jones in one corner vs. Roger Goodell, duking it out old school.

Why is this good, you might ask?

Well, with ratings struggling lately, this is just what the league needs. Back when dad was a kid, only a few thousand people or so tuned in to the NFL on TV UNTIL then Commish Pete Rozelle and Oakland’s owner Al Davis began publicly battling over where the Raiders would play (what’s new?!?). Next thing you know, TV ratings are skyrocketing and the NFL is the most popular sport in the universe.

Anyway, like most dads, we pretty much know everything so here are preposterous predictions and ludicrous locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Bills beat the Chargers.
• Howie Long will be put in concussion protocol. Due to his hairstylist dropping an iron on his head while sculpting his hair.
• A tackle is made in space. By Rams rookie linebacker Darth Vader.
• Jerry Jones will appeal a holding call all the way up to the Supreme Court. Ironically, it was the best play by his offensive line in that sack-fest loss to the Falcons.
• Your family will franchise tag you. No dad free agency for you as they had the cap space to pay you Kirk Cousins money for another season.

• 5: More opinions on his shoulder for Andrew Luck before he gives up and performs his own surgery.
• 35: Number of beers it takes to make a Browns fan forget they’re a Browns fan.
• 2.5: Number of virgins sacrificed to keep Bill Belichick’s heart pumping.
• 15: Minutes you’ll spend arguing with a friend about whether a hot dog is a sandwich or not.
• 12: Times someone at your watch party intentionally mispronounces hors d’oeuvres “whores de-vors.”