Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 9, 2017

October 31, 2017

Holy cow, this Tom Brady is on a workout and diet regime that has him thinking he can play until he’s 50.

Look Tommy, we don’t care how super you feel now chugging electrolyte infused avocado ice cream smoothies and doing inverse resistance stretching cycles, in a couple of years or so your inner dad voice will override this insanity. Please retire. Embrace the leisure dad lifestyle, it’s better for everyone (you for your long-term health. and for all us dads who are tired of our wives constantly asking us why we’re not more like you).

Yep, like most dads, we pretty much know everything so here are the perfecto predictions and lifehack locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Bills beat the Jets. Winter is coming to New York, signaled by this game that shall be recorded in the annals of history as “Game of Overthrows.”
• The 60 Minutes promo will wake you from a nap. A six-pack triggered afternoon siesta is no match for that clicking stop watch sound.
• You will wake up with your bowels clenching in the middle of the night Thursday. The World Series has ended. Joe Buck is coming back to the football booth. It’s going to be a long night.
• You will destroy a garden hose. Trying to mow the lawn while watching a game on your phone goes horribly wrong.

• 4.5: Number of men to appear in the role of “QB” for the Broncos in Philly Sunday.
• 13: Times this week a national media member will make that old bye is favored over the Browns “joke.”
• 2025: The year Ezekiel Elliot ends up serving his suspension.
• 10.5 inches: The actual length of your halftime foot-long sub from Subway.
• 3: Valiums Nick Saban takes while watching the Houston/Indy game for his Deshaun Watson-induced PTSD.