Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 7, 2017

October 18, 2017

Ah, autumn, the pumpkin spice latte of the football season. A time when it’s not too hot to watch the game in your favorite sweat pants, nor cold enough that the wife cranks the heat up to 85 (forcing you to drink three extra beers per quarter just to cool down!). Perfect papa pigskin time for us patriarchs.

Yes, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are our peerless predictions and lead-pipe locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Vikings beat Ravens. The Battle of the Purple. The frustrating, confusing overabundance of on-screen plum will cause dad to fiddle with the color/tint all game so he can tell which team is which.
• L.A. Chargers superfan “Boltman” will be arrested. Another ‘Bolts loss to Denver will send the transplanted San Diegan into a Sunset Strip drug/hooker/booze filled bender ending in a 45-minute police chase.
• A Colts TD celebration will be flagged for lack of creativity. End zone-allergic Indy clearly shows they haven’t been there before very often.
• A viewing of the umpteenth Papa John’s commercial will lead to your dad throwing an empty at the TV. One can only take so much. His throw at Papa’s face will be Tom Brady accurate.
• J.J. Watt will get miracle surgery in Tibet to fix his leg. Taking advantage of the Texans’ bye week, he’s stitched up and ready to play Oct. 29 vs. Seattle.

• .5: “Too soon” jokes on SNF by announcer/aspiring comedian Al Michaels.
• 4.5: Total league-wide fat guy touchdowns.
• 65: Percentage of drives you’re watching on Redzone that stall, ending up in short field goal attempts.
• 45/30: Shots of Aaron Rodgers on the sideline during the Packers vs. Saints game/shots of Brett Hundley actually playing in the game.
• 10: Minutes into the game that Andy Reid blows his coach’s challenge.