Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 5, 2017

October 4, 2017

Football, football time is here! Son, put down that phone and grab your dad a beer. Devices and Facebook are nice but now it’s time for kickoff and a brew, one as cold as ice. As we used to do in the old days, let’s huddle up in front of the old boob tube for a Sunday afternoon pigskin feast. Father knows best.

Yes, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the solid gold predictions and lead-pipe locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Rams beat Seahawks. Aaron Donald & Co. will snap the Seattle offense like a pretzel rod and your dad, when the announcer mentions Rams coach Sean McVay is only 31, will lament how such a young fancy pants whipper snapper could be an NFL head coach.
• The leaves won’t get raked this weekend. It’s too windy and dad will also claim his fingers are still too greasy from the chicken wing platter.
• The worst two-minute drill in the history of the NFL will be run in the Browns/Jets game. One of these offensive jugger-nots will run a series of crunch time plays so poorly viewers will cry.
• An Applebee’s commercial will work. A father of three in Indianapolis will see one while watching Colts/49ers, begin salivating and take his family to the restaurant immediately following the game.
• Jerry Jones will descend from his owner’s box down to the Dallas sideline just in time to see the Pack beat his ‘Boys with :04 seconds left in the game. But at least this time he’ll bring a soda cup filled with Johnnie Walker Blue.

• 2: Jay Glazer short jokes during the FOX pre-game show.
• 3.5: Successful quarterback sneaks in the Chiefs/Texans game.
• 8: Minutes the halftime pizza delivery is late.
• 3.5: Points scored by the Dolphins vs. Tennessee (the ‘Fins are hot, scoring 3 points/game the past two weeks).
• 5: Shades of red/purple John Gruden’s face turns Monday night when he calls out missed assignments during the Bears/Vikings game.