Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 3

September 19, 2017

The Back-up Quarterback Strikes Back! We’re tired of these #1 picks from Big School University overthrowing all their receivers by 15 yards. Get that hungry young guy with the clipboard and backwards baseball cap in there!

Like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are predictions and locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Raiders beat Redskins. Should be a 15-point pummeling by the Silver & Black. But at least 20 Raider fan dads pull a groin trying to imitate Marshawn Lynch’s dance moves in their living room.
• Your dad misses most of the third quarter on a halftime beer run. He’ll waste 10 minutes deciding on what beer to buy and the cashier will be a trainee.
• The 49ers, Bills and Jags combine to score less than 28 points. If only NFL films still made those football follies videos, the material they would have gotten from the three games involving these teams this week would be amazing.
• Your dad complains about these (bleeping) new-school uniforms. “They all look like soccer players!” he’ll scream at the TV when there’s a cut to a Browns or Bills highlight.
• Bear fans rejoice, Jay Cutler will return to earth. He lit up the Chargers last week. He’s playing the awful Jets. Nothing could go wrong. But Bears fan dads know this is when 3 interceptions/2 fumbles happen.

• 10: Combined Giants & Eagles knocked out of this old-school NFC East brawl due to injury.
• 2: Times dad breaks wind in the first half and blames the dog.
• 6: Times dad screams “run the ball” at the TV despite his team being down 14 in the fourth quarter.
• 10: Combined field goals by the Ravens and Jags in their London clash, leading to the cancellation of all future games in London.
• 5: Times dad changes channel during commercial to an old movie on TNT featuring a Russian villain named Victor.