Classic Dad’s NFL Week 5 Betting Guide

October 4, 2018

With insider information so inside you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents, here are the top picks of the week.

BET ‘EM

The Panthers (-6.5) over the Little Giants. New York hasn’t scored 30 points in a game since 2015 (when bread was $1.35 a loaf and Eli Manning could throw a ball more than 10 yards).
FOX pre-game hosts (-13.5) over the CBS pre-game hosts in their annual flag football game. Howie Long’s head might be morphing into an actual anvil. He will use his anvil head to knock Boomer Esiason into next week.
The under (39) on the Titans/Bills game. Sure, Josh Allen can score some decathlon points hurdling defenders as he did in week 3 vs. the Vikings, but combine his goose egg last week in Green Bay versus a Tennessee “offense” with an uncanny ability to strike from nowhere on the field before punting on 4th and one from their opponent’s 40-yard line. Ouch, these keystone cops might not combine 20!

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM

The under (52) on the Saints/Redskins game. A game where you don’t have to worry about any bogus roughing calls or ejections. Neither team’s defense looks good even during no contact drills in practice, much less trying to actually tackle someone. Saints 56, Redskins 50.
Bengals (-6) vs. Dolphins. Noted linebacker/personal fouler Vontaze Burfict’s suspension is over and he’s got a lot of pent-up on field criminality to make up for in his return to action. Cincy will win 28-27 while racking up over 250 penalty yards. Fun fact: Marvin Lewis has always been coach of the Bengals.
Cowboys (+3.5) vs. the Texans. Deshaun Watson and his warp speed wideouts whip Dallas 38-20 in the most bland looking coaching match-up in recent history. Nostalgia: If this game was played in 1980, the Cowboy coach would have been wearing a fedora and the Texan/Oiler coach would have been wearing a 10-gallon hat. Bring back hats, Texas, mess with us!

THE MAN WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST

Julio Jones, WR, Falcons. While on pace for 2,000 yards, he’s yet to see the endzone as his fellow Alabama alum Calvin Ridley seems to be poaching all his TDs. Perhaps open a bar for him in the end zone as incentive? That would be the top team celebration: recreate the Cheers set with Jones as Norm.

THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK

Todd Gurley, LA Rams RB vs. the Seahawks. The members of the once fearsome Legion of Boom are either on crutches, traded to the 49ers or dead*. The most intimidating player left on the team is QB and noted goody two shoe Russell Wilson. Gurley’s scoring will look like a pinball machine on steroids.

*- They’re not dead, this is just irresponsible journalism.