Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Wild Card Round

January 4, 2018

Here we go, it’s Wild Card Weekend! Or, as my brother-in-law calls it, Wet ‘n Wild Card Weekend (He uses it as an excuse to put on his jersey and hit the local gentleman’s club, claiming they have the best buffet in town).

If this is your game plan fellas, I simply advise not getting home at 2am covered in glitter, smelling of beer and telling the wife you were at a late-night arts & crafts party at the community center. Come up with a better story or you may never get to leave the house again except for work.

Yes, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the post-season predictions and last-minute locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Bills beat Jaguars. Followed by ESPN reanimating Chris Berman just so he can slobber out one more, “Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!”
• Injured Falcons players won’t be allowed in the sideline medical tent. They’re not covered anymore with all the changes to the healthcare system/tax plan.
• Jerry Richardson can attend the Panthers/Saints game in New Orleans. But he’s secured like Hannibal Lecter.
• Pretzel rods over pretzel twists. They’re much better for dipping, double-dipping, and even triple dipping due to their outstanding length AND you can use them as pretend play cigars!
• One of the recently fired coaches will end up panhandling within a week. Probably Chuck Pagano, he seems like a guy who might have trouble managing money or using a comb.

• .5: More Terry Bradshaw movies after he un-convincingly portrayed Terry Bradshaw in “Father Figures.”
• 3.5: Andy Reid clock mismanagement incidents vs. Tennessee.
• 1.5: Pre-game show comedians suspended for off-field issues.
• 10: Portly men who remove their shirts during the Chiefs/Titans game.
• 25: Jaguar players who can correctly name the head coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars.