With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- The Saints (-13) over the Falcons. Even if the New Orleans offense eats their Thanksgiving dinner before the game and sleeps through the third quarter, they could score enough to beat the faulty, fading Falcons. Bourbon street bullies Brees by Ryan & the rejects 48-22.
- The under (37.5) on the Bills vs. Jaguars “game.” Josh Allen is back! Why? Blake Bortles…well, the NFL rules don’t allow Jacksonville to use one of those JUGs guns on the field instead of him at QB. The Red Zone channel won’t even bother to cut to this battle of field position and field goals: Jags 12, Bills 9.
- The Panthers (-3.5) vs. the Seahawks. Carolina gets back on track with a 32-20 “W” and my fashion insiders hint Cam Newton’s post-game press conference suit will be made of live peacocks and PETA is poised to arrest him. Panthers 28, ‘Hawks 20.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The Bengals (-3, 47.5) vs. the Browns. Remember the Monday Night Magic of Rams/Chiefs? Well this Ohio scuffle will be everything that game was not. Both teams are equally capable of scoring 40 points or laying a goose egg. They’re as untrustworthy in the gambling world as your uncle after 13 beers who tells you he knows a guy who says he has a tip straight from the wise guys that a QB that owes them money is ready to shave some points.
- The Dolphins (-10) vs. the Colts. This one is as simple as your clueless buddy’s logic picking NCAA tournament games: on dry land take the horse team over the dolphin team in a route even if the horse’s owner Jim Irsay is high on 13 different prescription drugs. Luck leads Indy to a 30-3 blowout.
- The Bears (-4) vs. the Lions. Chicago will eke out a 29-28 win, but Detroit continues their mental domination of opposing kickers (Green Bay’s Mason Crosby just got out of therapy after the Lions spooked him in week five). Cody Parkey will probably be job hunting Friday after missing three field goals, two PATs and four kickoffs.
THE PERSON WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Mark Sanchez, QB, Washington. Regardless of your opinion of our current President, he’s lording over an economy where this guy can get repeated work. Against his will. And the collective will of football fans everywhere. Sources say Sanchez was happy collecting unemployment checks and was actively avoiding potential employers by firing his agent, changing his phone # and took up the Charles Barkley retirement diet BUT Evil Person/Washington owner Daniel Snyder coerced him to sign. Also, unconfirmed, but it’s rumored he’s working with that Hamilton guy on “Buttfumble: The Broadway Musical.” Mark, find a box of wine and an empty trainer’s room.
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
What?!?! The Rams and Chiefs are both off this week? (Bleep)! That’s 90% of NFL scoring on a bye. It’s almost not worth having fantasy football this week. But, if we have to, we have to. So I’ll go with Zeke Elliot, Dallas RB. The ‘Skins are giving up an average of 32 points per week to running backs with two operational legs this season.