With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- The Vikings (-5.5) over the Lions. Kirk Cousins is by far the most pressured QB in the league this season but, since Ndamukong Suh left the Lions for Miami, Detroit’s defensive line has been as soothing to opposing QBs as a hot oil massage. Vikings fans like that, Minny winny 36-30!
- The Rams (+1) over the Saints. Red hot Rams go Goffing in the Big Easy and shoot a Superdome record round 68-35 win over New Orleans, move to 8-0.
- The Browns (+8.5) vs. the Chiefs. The rudderless (even by their low standards) Browns vs. the Golden State Warriors of the NFL, taking KC looks like easy money. But as the Godfather of Gambling Bugsy Segal said right before getting sent to sleep with the fishes: “If it seems too good to be true, it is.” Brownie back door cover a comin’: Chiefs 26, Cleveland 23.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The Redskins (-1.5) over the Falcons. Washington as a first-place team is as fraudulent as a Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme. Atlanta 56, ‘Skins 30.
- The Packers (+6.5) vs. the Patriots. This week’s Game of the Century will answer some big questions: Who’s the GOAT, Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady? Have New England sports fans become even more insufferable since the Red Sox just won the region’s 35th championship since 2012? Can James White catch 35 Brady check down passes for 37 yards and four TDs in one game? The answers: Brady, yes and yes. Pats 38, Pack 28.
- The over (47) in the 49ers/Raiders game. In the past couple weeks Oakland has lost their best receiver (Amari Cooper traded!) and best DB (Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie took early retirement!). The Niners barely have a best receiver or DB to trade or retire. There will be less scoring in this contest than a Giants/A’s game. Make it SF 6-5.
THE PERSON WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Jameis Winston, QB, Tampa Bay. And he can drink them out of a water bottle on sideline as the former #1 pick has just set the Buccaneers QB career record for times being benched (surpassing Vinny “The Bench” Testaverde).
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
Adam Thielen, WR, Vikings. The Lions’ secondary provides opposing receivers more cushion than a sectional couch with extra pillows, allowing the opposing team’s #1 receiver an average of 19.4 fantasy points per week. Thielen has not had less than 100 yards in a game yet this season, so book him for 175+ yards and between 2 and 23 TDs.