Classic Dad Week 13 NFL Betting Guide

November 29, 2018

With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.

BET ‘EM

The Bears (-4.5) over the Giants. It matters not if the Bears are forced to use a Chase Trubisky or such at QB and run all their offense out of the fabled, ancient T-formation from their fight song as they will Bear Down Barkley, Beckham & Co. and walk out of New Jersey with a 28-13 victory (the Bears are 11-0 lifetime on weeks after a Mike Ditka heart attack).
The Broncos (-3.5) over the Bengals. Whoever decided that adding the coaching acumen of Hue Jackson to the sad Cincy sideline malaise of Marvin Lewis was a good thing should be permanently banned from football, the state of Ohio and Arby’s. Broncos all the way, 33-8.
The Texans (-4.5) vs. the Browns. It’s a great week for Houston. NASA lands an explorer on the barren wasteland of Mars while Deshaun Watson and Co. will land many touchdowns on the barren wasteland of Cleveland football (although 55% less barren since Hue Jackson was fired). Texans toast Brownies 49-33.

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM

The Cowboys (+7) vs. the Saints. It’s the annual late season semi-surge by Dallas time! They’re in their home corral playing a huge primetime game against the Saints and some of the talking heads are comparing Prescott/Elliot/Cooper to Aikman/Emmitt/Irvin. Delusional fair-weather Dallas fans across the county are once again wearing their obnoxious Cowboy gear 100% of the time. Never has a New Orleans route been more predictable (let’s say 45-22), how ‘bout them Saints?!?!
The Patriots (-6) vs. the Vikings. Minnesota’s defense is, as the kids say, ballin’! Coming off a game where they sacked Aaron Rodgers four times and held him under 200 pass yards, the Purple Patriot Eaters keep their NFC North title hopes alive with a resounding 28-12 triumph.
The over (55.5) in the Kansas City/Oakland contest. Sure, we all know the Chiefs can score 55 points on their own, but the inept artists formerly known as Raiders offense might have trouble even covering the remaining .5.

THE PERSON WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST

Blake Bortles, deposed Jags QB. It took 13 weeks until his inevitable benching, a miracle in itself. But, thanks to his recently signed three-year/$54 million extension, he can afford to get loaded until the sun flickers out while drinking only the finest ales available to man at a Jacksonville 7-11.

THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK

DeAndre Hopkins, WR, Texans. Houston stays Hot-kins with a big win over the Browns as Hopkins lights up Cleveland’s 29th rated pass defense like the flaming Cuyahoga River in ‘69.