With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- The Bengals (+4.5) vs. the Saints. The Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars “It’s a trap” game for N.O. as they come off a huge win over the Rams and prepare for the Super Bowl champion Eagles next week. This is the kind of game Marvin Lewis has consistently won during his 79-year tenure as Cincinnati coach. Saints stumble in the jungle 35-32.
- The Chiefs (-16.5) over the Cardinals. A spread like an Alabama game vs. Directional State. But with Patrick passing like Pistol Pete Maravich, the Cardinals have no Ma-hope (especially after releasing Slouchy Sam Bradford earlier this week). Kansas City 40-3.
- The Redskins (+2.5) vs. the Buccaneers. Forget Fitz-tragic, it’s time for the Bearded Blunder to throw up a Fitz-toilet game against a Washington secondary that’s been improved by the addition of Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. Look for him to complete the same number of passes to each team in a 38-14 Washington wipeout.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The Dolphins (+9.5) vs. the Packers. Brocktober may now run all the way to Thanksgiving, but even if Tannehillvember starts this week (the annual and usually fatal return to the line-up by oft-injured Miami signal caller Ryan Tannehill), Green Bay ends their losing streak with a 28-6 fish fry.
- The Chargers (-10) over the Raiders. The Super San Diegos are, by any scientific measure, the far superior team. Atomic weight? Advantage Chargers. Electron charged zapping helmets? Advantage Chargers. But, like Raiders owner Mark Davis’ haircut, this bitter ancient AFC west rivalry often defies both science and the Vegas spread. Raiders spring the stunner 14-10.
- The Jags (+3) vs. the Colts. Jacksonville’s vaunted “D” has fallen further than the career of the average ‘80’s child star. Andrew Luck is back to slinging the pigskin around like he did when he entered the league as a 35-year-old Civil War veteran. Colts 33-20.
THE PERSON WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Joe Buck. The heavily hair-plugged and fan un-favorite might do himself a favor and chug a few beers before broadcasts. That way he might not get so offended by super fun football celebrations like Michael Thomas’ hidden cell phone hijinks last week and, if he’s slurring and fun on the air, he might actually endear himself to viewers.
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
Golden Tate, WR, Eagles. The Cowboys give up an average of 38 fantasy points in a standard PPR league to slot receivers coming off a bye and a trade from the Lions. Golden is anything but silent, he’ll torch the fightin’ Jerrys with 14 catches and 2 TDs.