With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- The Bengals (-4.5) over the Bucs. Is it the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown? No, it’s a very large and very drunk Cincy fan celebrating a win by his team over another team in some awful orange duds probably stitched together using old prison jump suits and Liberace capes. Vontaze Burfict is going to look good someday wearing an orange prison jump suit after he probably murders a Steeler running back.
- The over (53) in the Saints/Vikings game. It appears the vaunted Minnesota “D” was over-vaunted while New Orleans has a recent history of tackling allergies in the land of 10,000 lakes (The Minneapolis Miracle). Brees & Cousins light up Corporate Bank Half-Dome Big Window Stadium like a giant nuclear pinball machine. Vikes 67, Saints 66.
- The Steelers (-8.5) over the Browns. The Steelers are a death-defying 10-0 against the spread in their last ten games coming off a bye and playing a division opponent with a quarterback under six feet tall. No Baker Littlefield magic in the Steel City this week: Pittsburgh 28, Browns 14.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The Rams (-9) over the Pack. As part of his compensation, State Farm Insurance pitch man/Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers has a policy insuring he suffer no loss by greater than six points to the LA Rams (oddly specific…). Rams 45, Packers 40.
- Cardinal vs. 49ers. This game is not meant to be watched by anyone except the players’ friends and families. A wager of any kind on this contest is a sign of a serious gambling addiction, like betting on preseason WNBA games.
- The over (42) in the Giants/Redskins game. But definitely watch this one, it’s as good as any soap opera. Will Odell Beckham, Jr. assault a goal post after Eli overthrows him by 10 feet in the end zone? What profanities will you be able to lip read Pat Shurmur mutter after Eli overthrows Odell Beckham, Jr. by 10 feet in the end zone? Will Eli awake from a coma just in time to throw a pass 10 feet over Odell Beckham, Jr.’s head in the end zone?
THE PERSON WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
The Raider Fan. The team is leaving them in a couple years. Their coach’s career highpoint was beating the Raiders in the 2003 Super Bowl and he just traded his top two players for future draft picks. Derek Carr cries after being sacked and they play in the most dilapidated stadium in the league, a place they share with the A’s, so half the time they’re playing on baseball dirt. Man, they don’t need a beer, they each need a barrel of whiskey.
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
Rob Gronkowski, TE, Patriots. The Bills give up an average of 13.5 points to tight ends in the average PPR league. Gronk averages 69 fantasy points per game in his career when he returns to the lineup after missing the previous game to injury.