With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- The Lions (-1) over the Dolphins. With the Miami Herald reporting a likely prolonged absence for starting QB Ryan Tannehill, it’s backup/Bronco draft bust Brock Osweiler getting a second straight start. What are the odds of Brock Osweiler winning two straight starts off the bench? According to C-3PO: 234,599 to 1. Lions 25, Dolphins 20.
- The Colts (-whatever it ends up) over the Bills. Josh Allen is out, Nathan Peterman probably gets another start. In his career, Peterman has been intercepted on 11% of his passes. In today’s pass-friendly, don’t-sneeze-on-the-QB league, that’s about 13% worse than the average signal caller. Bushel of picks for Indy, Colts 45-10. Or the Bills start a derelict they just signed off the street, Derek Anderson. In that case, make it Colts 56-3. The Bills are the QB coinflip of failure.
- The over (3.5) on the times your wife asks you during the Monday Night Football broadcast of Falcons/Giants: “Is that one broadcaster’s name really Booger? Really?”
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The under (10.0) on the Nielsen rating for the Thursday night game (Broncos vs. Cardinals). Did the NFL forget that little TV campaign that all the Thursday night games were going to be top-tier matchups? 21 other teams have as many wins or more as the three wins these two turds have combined to poop out so far in 2018.
- Ravens (-2.5) vs. Saints. New Orleans has covered the spread their last eight games on the road vs. an AFC North team in October after Drew Brees eats at Burger King the Tuesday before the game and the game time temperature is predicted to be in the mid-50s/partly sunny. New Orleans gets the “W” 28-21.
- Redskins (-1.5) vs. “How ‘bout them Cowboys?!?” Dallas is on a roll and thanks to green screen technology you can barely see the puppet strings Jerry Jones uses to control Jason Garrett from his owner’s box.
THE MAN WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Bill Belichick. A little sympathy for the devil, he’s got an owner who makes trades based on Tom Brady thinking he can play until he’s 50 and he has to babysit a Gronk. And imagine a press conference where he’s drunk and lets his hood down, sure to be comedy gold!
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
Julio Jones, WR, Falcons. Devonta Freeman is out, Calvin Ridley and Mohamed Sanu are questionable and gimpy. Who else does Matt Ryan trust? Austin Hooper? Ha ha ha ha ha. Jones catches 25 passes for 400 yards and 5 TDs, guaranteed!*
*- May not be guaranteed, our lawyers are checking.