With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents. Here are the top picks of the week.
- The Bears (-3) over the Dolphins. This could get ugly. Chicago still holds a grudge against the fish sticks for handing Da Bears their only loss in that legendary ’85 Super Bowl Shuffle year, a Bear team that inspired more Saturday Night Live skits than a Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearing. Make it Bears 46-10 (just like that year’s Super Bowl score over the Patriots).
- The over (21) on missed kicks this weekend. Kickers! Nature’s cruelest joke.
- The Patriots (-3.5) over the Chiefs. K.C. skill position players are flying by defenses as if they’re standing still. Which means somehow Belichick will make it look like his DBs are attached by Velcro to them and the refs are unable to throw any interference flags as they will be stitched to the zebras’ pants. Patriots 28-14.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BETTING ‘EM
- The 49ers (+9.5) vs. Packers. Oddly the Packers have the #6 defense in the NFL and the 49ers are trotting out…(leafs through notes)…a “C.J. Beathard” at QB? Coming off the Debacle in Detroit last week, Angry Aaron leads Green Bay to a 30-point blowout by the bay.
- Jags (-3) vs. Cowboys. Forget that Blake Bortles we saw in the playoffs last year and earlier in the year vs. New England, Bad Blake is back, baby! He’s hitting all defenders in stride with his fluttering fastballs, even defensive linemen, as he exhibited with that pick-six in K.C. last week.
- Chargers (-1) vs. the Browns. Forget the fact we live in a Brown New World where Cleveland is a respectable team, the way the Chargers play as favorites on long trips east makes you wonder if they fly Spirit instead of charter. Lord help ‘em if they ever play a London game.
THE MAN WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Marshawn Lynch, RB, Oakland. Another year, another first and goal on the one just like Super Bowl XLIX where his team opted for a pass and threw an interception rather than the safe TD route via the bruising back. Passing in such situations with Lynch at RB1 is like the ’27 Yankees pinch-hitting for Babe Ruth with the bases loaded because they have a player who’s better at laying down a squeeze bunt.
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
First, you’re welcome for that Todd Gurley pick last week, a hat trick of TDs. I wonder, had that game been at L.A. would Ram fans have showered the field with helmets as hockey fans do hats on the ice? This week’s Mr. Touchdown: A.J. Green, WR, Bengals at home vs. Steelers. Are the Pittsburgh DBs holding out along with Le’Veon Bell?