With insider information so inside, you’ll wonder if we have Adam Schefter’s phone bugged and spies planted in those blue sideline triage tents, here are the top picks of the week.
- The over on 1st round draft picks the Bears give up for Le’Veon Bell (1.5). Chicago is all in for 2018, what’s two more #1 picks for another stud player? And they get creative on the contract, paying the RB in a crypto currency known as “Da Bitcoin” to stay under the salary cap!
- Broncos (+3.5) over the Chiefs. K.C. and Funpass Band look unstoppable, like a Big 12 team rolling over a pre-conference cupcake. But a Monday night game in Denver against the Orange Crush is just about the time Andy Reid goes back to his conservative “Chief Choke” playoff playbook. Poor Patrick Mahomes, he should remember seeing it in last year’s playoff loss to the Titans.
- The over (.5) on wins by the Gruden Brothers this weekend. Washington is off, but we found that old Deep Blue computer, the one that beat the top chess players, in a dumpster and reprogrammed it to predict NFL games. Its first official projection: Raiders rock, Browns scissors in 11 innings. Computer!
DON’T EVEN THINK OF BETTING ‘EM
- The under (350) on combined passing yards in the Jets/Jags game. All flights from Sam Darnold’s arm to Jet receivers have been grounded due to mechanical issues and, well, Blake Bortles coming off a 9-6 loss to the Titans. This feels like an all safety game, Jax sacks the J-E-T-S 4-2.
- Colts (-1.5) vs. the Texans. Indy needed backup QB Jacoby Brissett to attempt the game-winning Hail Mary pass last week for Andrew Luck in Philly. This week vs. the resurgent man-beast J.J. Watt, Brissett will probably have to give Luck a piggy back ride from the sideline to the huddle up to the point Watt drives Luck 6 feet under the turf.
THE MAN WHO NEEDS 12 BEERS THE MOST
Clay Matthews, Packers. He’s getting called for so many new school roughing the passer penalties, he has to be close to retiring to fulfill his true destiny: cover model for those cheesy romance novels Aaron Rodgers loves to read on the team plane. The first one: Blitz Package in Paris.
THE BO JACKSON TECMO BOWL FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK OF THE WEEK
First, humble apologies for that Dalvin Cook pick last week. I guess instead of the Bills “D” being as soft as wet toilet paper, it was actually Dalvin’s hammy. Mulligan! And to make up for it, this week’s lead-pipe fantasy stud lock of the decade is Phillip Rivers, QB, Chargers. His 15 or so kids put more pressure on him than the 49ers defense.