Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 17, 2017

December 26, 2017

Well, it’s time to close the books on the 2017 regular season and gear up for the playoffs and Super Bowl.

Yes, soon it will be Super Sunday! Those foreign Roman numerals can be confusing at times, who knows what an XLVII or whatever is, but it’s the best day (and sure as heck should be followed by a national holiday day off on Monday for proper recovery). However, there is one dad edit needed to make the day completely super: eliminate that annoying halftime special musical performance.

Nobody, not even Justin Timberlake fans, wants to see him perform a couple of songs on a temporary stage for a bunch of actors the NFL probably pays to be there and look like they’re rocking out. Bring back the marching band!

Anyway, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the pompous predictions and loquacious locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Saints beat Bucs. It’s over before kick-off when Jameis Winston accidentally eats a pre-game pep talk “L.”
• Matt Ryan will blow the game vs. Carolina with a costly delay of game penalty. But it won’t be his fault, his pre-snap read is War & Peace.
• Tom Brady’s deposed nutrition guru will be grilled on 60 Minutes within a year. Unless he flees the country first.
• Chicken noodle soup. Works as well as any cold/flu medicine and is 110% manly.
• NFL reviews playoff qualification formula to allow Cowboys & Packers in as “Double Secret Wild Cards.” We need those ratings, boys!

• 475%: Decreased probability a visiting Raider fan assaults a Charger fan due to the reduced size of LA’s temporary home “stadium.”
• 15: Joe Flacco third down check-downs to a receiver at least 10 yards short of a first down. Let the Baltimore booing begin!
• 2.5: Holiday inches added to your waistline.
• 15: “Terrible Towelettes” used by the average Steeler fan watching the game at Hooters.
• 5: Times commentators refer to the Giants as “the New York Football Giants” even though the New York baseball Giants left town in 1957.