Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 15, 2017

December 13, 2017

Is there anything more American than the marriage of beer and football? Suds and power sweeps, they built this country!

And, as in any marriage, there can be some rough patches like today when the classic brewers’ sales are a bit down. Luckily this old dad/marriage counselor has the solution: get back to using ex-players for the advertising. In dad’s day, beer commercials featured the likes of Bubba Smith, Dick Butkus and John Madden (pre-video game designing days) tipping a few back at the pub, whereas today the dang commercials feel like they’re directed by some snobby indie filmmaker.

Simple change, you’re welcome America.

Yes, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the perfect predictions and lovable locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Rams beat Seahawks. Due to the one game PED suspension of Seattle’s famed 12th man.
• Roger Goodell moves out of his mom’s basement. And, with the raise in his allowance, he’s finally able to quit his paper route.
• Michael Kenneth Williams will not watch the Ravens game. Even the guy who played the baddest dude in Baltimore(Omar in “The Wire”) is frightened by the violence of AFC North TV.
• Peppermint ice cream topped with hot chocolate syrup. It’s the Lombardi Trophy of desserts.
• Bills call up Mr. Freeze from their practice squad. Snow time in upstate New York, perfect for the Batman villain/outside linebacker!

• 8: Whiskey shots the average Eagle fan needs to convince him/herself Nick Foles is still 2013 good.
• 85: Percentage chance you’re truly ready for some football. Don’t lie to Hank Williams Jr., fire up!
• 6: Penalties per game on punt returns. What’s more aggravating than a block in the back on a fair catch?
• 1.5: Dolphin players to get their tongue stuck to a goal post in Buffalo imitating that classic scene from “A Christmas Story.”
• $2 million: Dollars J.J. Watt raises online for Houston QB disaster relief.