Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 12, 2017

November 21, 2017

Ah, Thanksgiving, the first and goal day of the holiday feasting season! With giant growth hormone-infused turkeys a-cookin’ and pies cooling on every window sill, it’s no time to dwell on concussions or Cutlers, just get eatin’ (but don’t forget to douse dad with a Gatorade bucket full of gravy after he carves that bird).

Like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the succulent predictions and delicious locks you can drown in gravy and take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Washington over NY Giants. We finally get to see something more comical on Thanksgiving Day than the Mark Sanchez buttfumble: the New York Giants offense.
• An LA Rams TD celebration will earn a Tony nomination. Their off-off Broadway performance of “Flight of the Receiver” delights the Coliseum.
• Stuffing. How good is stuffing? So good!
• Four Packer defenders will not bring “BIG BEN” down. He’s literally a marble statue.
• Cam Newton’s post-game press conference suit will feature a live parrot. Both receive fines for bad language.

• 1.5: Roughing the passer penalties on Uncle Bill’s fourth wife in the family touch football Turkey Bowl.
• 75: Patriots points vs. Miami. Their grizzly bear/defensive coordinator is seen leaving early in the fourth quarter to beat traffic.
• 5.5: Rating for the MNF Houston/Baltimore clash. In fairness, it’s running against a Simpsons marathon on FXX.
• $8.50/hour: Roger Goodell’s hourly wage at some fast food joint after the NFL owners tell him to kick bricks with that $50 million/year salary request.
• 6: Camera shots with Lions fans wearing a Barry Sanders jersey/pilgrim hat combo Thursday.