Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 4, 2017

September 27, 2017

Week 4 is here and it’s going to be Dad-o-mite! The air is getting a little cooler, so let’s hope the equipment managers keep those balls properly inflated and we dads remember where we stashed those free Sports Illustrated subscription team sweatshirts we got back in ‘94.

Like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are predictions and locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

• Falcons beat Bills. The defending NFC champions win by 21, but the conversation between your dad and his friends will be centered on the confusion of what came first, the chicken wing or the Buffalo wing.
• Your dad will again try to balance a beer on his stomach. It will occur in the third quarter, the can will be ¾ full and it will fall in under 10 seconds just after he shouts (to no one in particular): “I got it this time!”
• A sideline reporter will be struck on-air by an errant warmup throw during the Jets/Jags broadcast. The field is 100 yards long/53 yards wide. No QB on either of these teams is accurate enough to operate within these parameters.
• Some dad/Patriots fan will be down 25 beers to a Panthers fan at halftime but come back to win in OT. It’s the real Patriot Way.
• The Lions will either find the newest, most creative way to lose a game or win on a last second 98-yard double-triple reverse punt return by a third string practice squad fullback. Detroit area dads, like Jim Caldwell, are not able to blink anymore.

• 30: Combined times the pocket collapses in the Colts/Seahawks game.
• 2.5: Cheetos dad fumbles onto his shirt with no immediate recovery.
• 1.5: Combined wins by teams with “Bay” in their cities’ name.
• 24: Commercials for new shows on FOX before dad longs for the days when there was only the Big 3 Networks.
• 4: Times the Titans assign 4 offensive linemen and a punter to block J.J. Watt.