Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 1, 2017

September 9, 2017

The annual pre-season farce is over and the actual games are finally here. Now the concussions really matter, as we like to say. We also like to say “fumblerooski!” whenever the ball hits the turf, and we don’t care how old-fashioned you think it sounds. Like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are predictions and locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

Chiefs Beat Patriots. By at least two touchdowns. Is this a retroactive Lock because we’re writing this Saturday and the game was Thursday? Whatever! Dads take all the advantages we can get.
Your dad falls asleep before halftime. That’s just what happens when you combine beer, a recliner and a Sunday morning.
Browns Are The Browns. Go ahead and make this our Lock Of The Season. We don’t care about some star rookie QB. The Browns are gonna Brown like dad’s gonna complain about the refs turning this into a flag football game.
Your dad complains about clock management. It doesn’t matter the team. Or coach. Or game situation. Dads love to hate when it comes to properly using timeouts.
Carson Palmer is sacked five times. Have you seen the Cardinals’ offensive line? Seriously? Have you? They may as well not even be on the field the way defensive linemen tee up on poor Palmer.

7: Times Your Dad Yells At The TV On Sunday
2: Beers Grandpa Can Drink Before Breaking The Seal
1: Incompletions Before Bears Fan Dads Demand Mitch Trubisky Replace Mike Glennon
36: Actual LA Rams Fans Who Watch More Than 10 Minutes Of Their Game Against Colts
5: Times Dad Changes Channel During Commercial Only To Find Same Commercial On Other Game