"I mean, it's got a lot of sugar and stuff, but it's just minty, and honestly I have yet to figure out a way to eat one where my hands don't get sticky."

Sanders chose the Pepperoni Pizza variety for what has been deemed by many as the most depressing grocery store run of all time.

Carmen, who, it must be stressed, absolutely sucks, has asked this infuriating question to every single one of his fellow workers.

Local dad and Christmas light purchaser David Streamland has shocked neighbors and economists alike by managing to only spend $500 to prepare his Christmas light display for the year. Streamland, who has spent upwards of three times that amount in previous years, claims that by re-using old lights, and not decorating parts of the house

Local grandfather Harold Andrews has announced today that he will now exclusively send text messages in which all the words are completely capitalized. In a release texted to reporters, Andrews typed, “I WILL NOW ONLY TEXT WITH CAPITAL LETTERS, AS IT IS EASIER TO JUST HAVE CAPS LOCK ON AND THE BIGGER LETTERS ARE BETTER