Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 10, 2017

November 7, 2017

Upon further review, it’s time for replay to go away. We’ve reached the point where any half in the bag dad on his recliner is better at identifying a catch than the blind zebras (on the field or in the booth).

A receiver runs through the end zone, signs the ball for a sick kid, does a back flip, BUT the ball slightly jiggles before he spikes it. Didn’t complete the process! No catch. No. More. Replay. Besides, there’s no sweeter way to win than when the refs blow a call in your team’s favor. Cry about it, loser fans of the opposing team! Anyway, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the predictions and locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

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• Bears beat the Packers. Soldier Field is filled with 100% Bears fans as, with Aaron out, chicken cheesehead dads from GB suddenly come up with plenty of reasons not to travel down to Chicago.
• A stern 2-minute warning will startle new bandwagon Jags fans. Bowels disrupted. Luckily, Squatty Potty has replaced Papa John’s as the league’s premiere sponsor and the stadium is completely outfitted with the product.
• With Deshaun Watson KO’d, remaining AFC South battles will be shown only on NFL.com. Jags in first? Andrew Luck maybe deceased? Please, Forget the Titans.
• Andy Reid’s Saturday Night Live monologue will bomb. Hosting the show on KC’s bye week, his edgy material on pre-game spreads does not connect.
• The ManCave will not be cleaned for yet another week. Stale chips are forming stalagmites on the floor. But the team has not lost since you last tidied up, it would be bad luck.

• 3.5: Ice cold beers you chug sync’d up to teams trying to ice kickers.
• $1,950.45: Total fines for Martavis Bryant (uniform violations, pouting, etc.).
• 6: Failed halftime pizza deliveries to the Browns front office due to team fax & filing errors.
• .5: Complaints from elephants offended by an announcer using the term “jumbo package.”
• $2: Raiders owner Mark Davis’ tip at Cheapclips for that bowl cut.

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