Classic Dad NFL Predictions — Week 8, 2017

October 24, 2017

As we approach halftime of both the NFL season as well as our lives, sometimes dad brainpower fades (or, at the very least, gets a little fuzzy). Which is why smart dads carry around a giant coach’s play calling sheet set up for our everyday tasks. It’s cool to look like Andy Reid walking down the aisles of Home Depot! That aside, yes, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the precarious predictions and leisurely locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.

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• Lions beat the Steelers. All the drama of the Big Ben retirement crying/he’s not sure he’s got it anymore/now he’s good again (or is he?) and whatever the (bleep) is going on with Martavis Bryant disrupts Mike Tomlin’s bowels so traumatically that he needs to use a Squatty Potty, and then he is so relaxed afterward, he falls asleep and misses the game.
• Only half the Halloween cupcakes will end up frosted. Who ate the frosting? The dog? Dad. Not sure.
• Adrian Peterson will play his third game of the season with a third different team in London. After that dud last week, the Cardinals trade him to Cleveland for a conditional 2045 draft pick just in time for Sunday’s game.
• ESPN’s Philly guy Sal Paolantonio will get confused on the street for a person dressed as an eagle for Halloween. You spend enough time with a team, you can start to resemble the mascot.
• One of the kids will ask dad what the difference is between an alligator and a crocodile. He won’t know despite having seen all three “Crocodile Dundee” movies multiple times.

• 8.5: New kids added to dad champions Phillip Rivers and Antonio Cromartie’s families this season.
• 2.5: Referees who go “under the hood” and never make it out.
• 15: Times during the game the announcers of the Carolina/Tampa Bay game question the maturity of Cam Newton and Jameis Winston.
• The National Debt: Total tab run up by Bears fans on Bourbon St. this weekend.
• 12: Number of week one starting quarterbacks still standing after week eight.

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