It’s week two of the NFL season or, as dads like to say, “Honey, kids, here’s the credit card. Go to the mall or wherever for eight hours this Sunday so I can watch some quality professional football in my DadCave in peace.”
Dads also like to call holding on every play that’s run against the defense of their favorite team even when they’re not wearing their reading glasses. Like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are some predictions and lead-pipe locks you can take right to the bank and cash ‘em in.
- Raiders beat Jets. As dads get older, they find they need to pace themselves to conserve strength for later endeavors. So, for week two, I’ll take the easy route and pick the Raiders over the Jets. Is that lazy? You bet! The Jets look like my neighbor Ted who tried to seed his lawn fruitlessly and then gave up four months later and put down sod. Later in the season, I’ll be fresher and able to pick tougher games so we can all cash in!
- When dad cooks the pizza rolls in the toaster oven, they’ll be cold in the center. Yes, it’s annoying to pre-heat the real oven and wait to put the rolls in, but it’s worth it. Plus it’s a perfect excuse for dad to stand by the oven and drink a fresh beer while he waits for that little red light to go off.
- Carson Palmer will retire Saturday. I saw the look on his face after the 12th interception he threw to the Lions. It was the look of absolute defeat my brother-in-law Al had on his 43rd birthday when he stubbed his toe on a dumbbell he never used in his basement and strained his back while trying to move that dumbbell under the stairs. At this point neither of them should engage in physical activity on Sundays.
- Dad will find a hole in what he thought was a fairly new pair of socks. He’ll swear his wife just picked them up at Target a week or so ago. They still look pretty, new and white. It will seem almost incomprehensible based on all usage calculations he makes in his head that the fabric could have broken down. But there will be a hole right there, on his right big toe.
- The Indianapolis Colts will use a Jugs gun at quarterback. They’ll have a 75% better chance to beat the Cardinals with a ballboy pumping footballs into this machine than putting Jacoby Tolzien or whoever under center actually trying to read a defense and throw a spiral.
- 8: Times dad thinks to himself that he has better hair than Jon Gruden.
- 15: Shots of cheerleaders cheering way too hard, considering their team is down 35 and most fans are back in the parking lot tailgating.
- 1: Touchdown passes by Tom Brady that lead to an announcer proclaiming he will be able to play until he’s 50, and also that last week against the Chiefs didn’t happen.
- 1.5: Number of NFL teams playing in Los Angeles that the average fan can name.
- 5.5: Number of combined sacks by J.J. Watt and T.J. Watt.
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