7 Ways Your Dad “Winterizes” The House Each Fall

October 6, 2017

We’re officially smack dab in the middle of fall, which means football, changing leaves, people complaining about the popularity of pumpkin spice lattes and, of course, dads spending a good full weekend getting their house ready for the winter.

Here are seven things all dads will do while they spend the weekend cursing and refusing any help from their children or hired contractors.

Put In Storm Windows

Every year, dads across the nation put in their own storm windows, and the fact that every October isn’t filled with millions of dad visits to the Emergency Room is frankly astonishing.

The process will involve a dad hanging out of the window like a spider monkey as the rest of the family wonders if this is the time he’ll actually fall and break something. Dads literally straddle the house, with one leg dangling over the edge of the second story window, like it’s nothing.

Dads have no fear of putting up their storm windows, but moms are terrified of dads putting up their storm windows.

Take Down Air Conditioning Units

Even dads who have central air will still find themselves lugging a window unit into the basement for reasons that are only known to dads.

Is it exercise for them? Why don’t they ever ask for help? Were they really so worried about the central air going out that they feel the need to carry up a 40 pound “emergency backup” unit?

Dads are mysterious.

Put Plastic Over Windows

You’ve seen these plastic insulation kits before. They’re basically Saran Wrap that you melt onto your window with a blow dryer to, we guess, keep the weather out?

We don’t know a lot about the science behind it, other than the fact that every person who tries to put it in ends up having windows filled with weird splotches where some air bubbles got between the plastic and the window.

Unless it was installed by a dad, in which case it looks like the most pristine window you’ve ever seen, somehow.

Caulk, Just, Everything

The moment a dad buys a caulking gun, it becomes his sacred duty to caulk, and re-caulk, and re-re-caulk everything in the house with an angle. If someone were to stand motionless in a chair for a full day, a dad will eventually come by to caulk their elbows and knees.

Spend A Good Day Clearing Out Gutters

Dads take their sweet time clearing out the gutters, for a combination of reasons.

Obviously they want to be methodical and make sure they get every last leaf and twig out of those suckers. And, sure, they have to be safe because if a dad falls from the roof of a house, he’ll insist on “walking it off” even if he’s got bone sticking through his skin.

But mostly, dads freaking love ladders. A dad doesn’t need much of an excuse to spend a full day on one of those suckers. It’s like a roller coaster that doesn’t move!

Put Out A Bunch of Blankets For When Rest Of Family Starts Complaining

We must emphasize one thing here: these blankets will never be used by a dad.

A dad can spend an entire winter inside of a walk-in-freezer and say, “It’s not that cold in here, if it’s really bothering you, add some layers. Don’t give me that look, have you seen gas prices these days?”

But he knows if he is to win the war against the thermostat, he will have to make some concessions, like having a dozen warm blankets readily available in every room of the house for when the rest of the family invariably complains how cold it is.

And speaking of thermostats…

Obsessively Guard The Thermostat

Fall is a strange season, as far as temperatures go.

It could be so hot you’ll want to go out in shorts, or so cold you’ll need to wear a jacket to feel comfortable. And that means that dads will be constantly making sure that the thermostat is at the right setting. One day, it’s being cooled to 75 degrees. The next, the heat is on and set for 63.

Whatever will keep electricity and heating bills the coolest, a dad will make sure it happens, guarding and adjusting the thermostat with the fine tuned precision that only a dad can offer.

Of course, once winter hits, he’ll be guarding it even more zealously, but that’s because the rest of the family needs to learn to keep their mitts off the dang thermostat. It’s not that cold, and besides, there are plenty of blankets out.