Let’s Talk About That $35,000 Bottle Of Ranch Dressing

March 21, 2018

In honor of National Ranch Day, an actual thing that occurs every March 10th, Hidden Valley Ranch announced plans to give away a bottle of ranch dressing worth $35,000. The white gold bottle encrusted with diamonds and sapphires was given away to a lucky twitter user who followed and retweeted the brand between March 10th and March 19th. We asked a local dad what his ten thoughts were about the topic, and here’s what he came up with.

1: “What the heck? Why do I need jewelry with my ranch dressing? What the heck is this?”

2: “So you’re telling me it doesn’t even come with any dressing inside it? This is just to win a bottle? Why can’t they give us ranch dressing too? The dressing is something I’d actually use!”

3: “You know though, one thing that they do here that I like, they say it’s worth $35,000, but then they give you a check for $15,000 to pay for the taxes on the bottle. That’s very considerate of them. Always got to think about your tax liability with things like this.”

4: “Hey, can someone show me how I can Twitter and enter to win this? I don’t care much for the diamonds but I’m thinking mom would be pretty pleased to have it.”

5: “What, the contest is already over? Then what the heck are you asking me about this for? I don’t want to know about some fancy dressing bottle that some other person gets to have!”

6: “I wonder if the person who wins it is ever going to put ranch dressing in it. I suspect they won’t. Me, I’ve been using the same bottle of ranch dressing for the past three years. I just buy the bulk-sized bottles and use that to refill my fridge bottle. The label wore off the dang thing about a year ago.”

7: “But okay, assuming someone did put ranch in this…how would they squeeze it out? I don’t buy any glass bottles, that stuff pours out like molasses, you gotta get those plastic bottles that have the nice squeeze to ’em.”

8: “So if it’s worth $35,000, how does that work? If it were me, I’d see how much I could get if I just pried off all the gems and such, and melted down that gold. I like fancy ranch bottles, sure, but I’d rather just have the $35,000 come to think of it. Could finally maybe even buy some NFL season tickets with that scratch.”

9: “I don’t understand why Hidden Valley feels the need to do all these here gimmicks. Like when they made that keg of ranch last year. I mean, sure, I’d love to have a keg of ranch, but why not just try to sell your product. It’s ranch dressing for Pete’s sake, it should sell itself!”

10: “I don’t really follow a lot of people on the Twitters, so if you see another one of these contests can you let me know before it’s done next time? I mean, I don’t need some jewelry with my ranch dressing like I said, but it wouldn’t have hurt to at least toss in a submission, you know?”