The 8 Best Things About Cargo Shorts

June 26, 2018

If you read the fashion magazines or listen to the haughty hipsters, cargo shorts “aren’t cool” or “need to go away.” Don’t listen!

Dad says they’re the bee’s knees, fashion as well as function. So here they are, in no particular order, the best things about cargo shorts (according to dads):

1 – When you wear them with a tan dress shirt and a fedora, you look like Indiana Jones. And if you’re a millennial and don’t know who that is, get off dad’s lawn!
2 – Pockets! So many pockets. The manly man needs at least six pockets to store his wallet, the phone, keys, small flashlight, tape measure, rock hammer, gum…
3 – All sunburns are bad, but the ones on the thigh are perhaps the worst. The stylish length of the cargo shorts shields dad from this damage.
4 – Durability. The standard cargo is made from rugged cotton strong enough to deflect a small caliber bullet (or, more likely, water from a squirt gun), unlike those wussy two-pocket flannel numbers the yacht-riding models wear.
5 – They’re scientifically proven to boost your testosterone 300%. So you don’t need that stuff Frank Thomas does advertising for.
6 – The baggieness property can hide 5-10 pounds gained from perhaps a few too many 12-ounce curls (or other muscle building activity).
7 – On short flights, you can stuff so much cargo into the cargo short you don’t need that second carry on. No baggage fees for dad!
8 – Cargo > athleisure. You sit on the couch wearing some athleisure shorts and you fall right asleep. Cargo shorts are like caffeine, they’re uncomfortable but they keep you awake and alert. In case the Joker breaks into your home.