It’s time again to add a new rule to the Official Handbook of Dad. The patriarchal guide, created by the Founding Fathers and continuously updated by the top dads of the day, provides needed guidance and wisdom to dads everywhere.
Ponder carefully, this week’s proposal: Dad is the ultimate NFL draft guru.
Has NFL mock draft over-saturation fatigue season hit you yet?
The endless mock drafts by everyone from Mel Kiper Jr. to the third string weekend late night SportsCenter anchor…it’s too much. They’re rarely right.
Some of these wizards are on mock draft 5.0 at this point and still don’t know who’s the better QB Josh — Allen or Rosen. Well, you can just ignore those repetitive fools! If you want to know how your team will do this weekend, all you need is dad.
In football, low man wins and dad is not afraid to soil his belly on the floor of a bar covered in peanut shells and spilled whiskey. He’s a pigskin clairvoyant in meatball stained sweats.
He knows the Browns will try and trade the #1 pick down to themselves for their own #4 pick, a third-round pick and cash and take two QBs and still mess it up. He knows that if you plan to watch each and every round of the draft, you need to supplement the experience with a light lager instead of a heavy IPA (although Todd McShay, he does have a face that encourages blackout binge drinking).
Facebook hacked his account in hopes of getting a sneak peek at dad’s Big Board. Just read Mock Dad 1.0 and watch some fun movie marathon on TBS instead of ESPN2’s four-hour special on offensive line evaluation featuring Bill Polian and a thrice concussed ex-Patriot left tackle.
Need more convincing? Then please digest the top five reasons this rule should be added:
1 – Dad correctly mock-picked the entire 1st round of the 1993 draft despite being hungover from too many Zimas (he has not had a Zima since, he claims temporary insanity for even trying it. We all make mistakes, even dad). Who saw the Raiders taking a safety (Patrick Bates) at 12? Dad!
2 – Nobody looks better in those short coaches’ shorts holding a stop watch and clipboard than dad. Does this help him on his mock draft? Probably not, but hey, it’s a superficial world and looks count.
3 – Dad can accurately predict who the Cowboys will pick in round one based on which part of Jerry Jones’ botoxed faced is sagging the most.
4 – In an “Empire Strikes Back” like twist, it turns out dad is Mel Kiper Sr.
5 – Dad is an actual NFL insider. People call him. Adam Schefter? Those phones he’s always talking into are just props. Also, Schefter is homeless.