Dad Rule: Dad Is The Only Tax Guy You’ll Ever Need

April 17, 2018

It’s time again to add a new rule to the Official Handbook of Dad. The patriarchal guide, created by the Founding Fathers and continuously updated by the top dads of the day, provides needed guidance and wisdom to dads everywhere.

Ponder carefully, this week’s proposal: Dad is the only tax guy you’ll ever need.

Well here we are, mid-April, tax time U.S.A.

By now your fate is sealed, so hopefully you resisted using some frazzled, over-worked H&R Block-head pseudo accountant to file your return and instead relied on dear old(ish) dad. Did you know most of those actuarial “professional” hacks got their degrees from San Quentin Cosmetics & Business Junior College Annex*? No, when it comes to working the magic on that W-2, dad is the only counter of the beans you’ll ever need.

Can you get a deduction by claiming yourself as a dependent? Dad says yes!

Is that treehouse dad built you in the backyard in the third grade a tax shelter? Probably, let’s find out together!

Will the IRS get nosy when dad “updates” the taxable income on your W-2 with some white-out and a pencil? They better not, unless they want dad to audit them. So, when you get that huge refund, just make sure you buy dad a nice cigar and a 12-pack of his favorite beer (which will also count as an exemption on your return next year!).

*Might not be true.

Need more convincing? Then please digest the top five reasons this rule should be added:
1 – Dad can convince the IRS those weekly Friday lunches at Twin Peaks were a business expense/deduction since your business suit was next door all year at the dry cleaner waiting to be claimed.
2 – For fun, dad re-looked at Al Capone’s taxes and found he definitely could have gotten him off with only a small fine.
3 – Did you see how he did all the guards’ tax returns when he was wrongly imprisoned at Shawshank Prison?
4 – He only had to listen to The Beatles song “Taxman” a couple times to learn all he needed to become a CPA.
5 – When he opened that bar in the basement, he actually got a section of U.S. Tax Code reversed in his favor (26 U.S. Code 5418 – Beer imported in bulk) so his importer shall thereupon be liable for such import tax rather than good ole dad. Bingo!