It’s time again to add a new rule to the Official Handbook of Dad. This patriarchal guide, created by the Founding Fathers and continuously updated by the top dads of the day, provides needed guidance and wisdom to dads everywhere.
Ponder carefully, this week’s proposal: Dad is Professor Science.
Having some trouble with that periodic table? Confused as to whether light is a wave or a particle? Can it be both?
Well, don’t go to a Bill Nye YouTube video or Wikipedia for the answers, no, you go down to the Dad-boratory for some real science straight talk. Dad, he’s a Bunsen-burning, safety goggle wearing man of fission on a mission to help you get that “A” on Mr. Honeydew’s next quiz!
Dad knows his graduated cylinders from his Erlenmeyer flasks, while the cut of his jib in a white lab coat makes all the ladies swoon (just don’t ask him why he’s wearing it while he mows the lawn). His driver’s license shows his atomic weight instead pounds. Popular Science has a subscription to him. Yes, dad, he can explain the significance of the Higgs Boson discovery in the time it takes you to eat your bowl of cereal before school, so eat and learn, junior!
Need more convincing? Then please digest the top five reasons this rule should be added:
1 – He’s no Boron, he initially got your mom’s atomic number using the scientific method. Straight science, homey!
2 – Dad can synthesize a rudimentary form of Skittles from a pencil eraser, cotton swabs and red dye #5.
3 – When he breaks wind, he makes sure to emit only inert gas (they won’t be silent, but at least they won’t be deadly).
4 – He won a karaoke contest singing Thomas Dolby’s “She Blinded Me With Science.”
5 – He submitted a script for “The Big Bang Theory” that was too revolutionary for the popular sitcom but ended up winning him the Nobel Prize for physics.