Dad Rule: Dad Was The King Of Spring (Break)

March 21, 2018

It’s time again to add a new rule to the Official Handbook of Dad. This patriarchal guide, created by the Founding Fathers and continuously updated by the top dads of the day, provides needed guidance and wisdom to dads everywhere.

Ponder carefully, this week’s proposal: Dad Was The King of Spring (Break).

Ah, spring!

When a young man’s flights of fancy drift south for that big spring break trip. Florida, Texas, Arizona, wherever. If you want to do it right, the proper move is to consult dad.

Sure, his next trip south might feature him donning a white belt/high waisted pant combo, but he’s got the vaulted beer bong soaked Dad/CliffsNotes to make your trip Spuds MacKenzie special.

It’s going to be a week-long marathon of sun, beer, beach activities and babes, all subjects covered in detail in dad’s notes.

How do you win at beach volleyball with a beer in your hand? Covered in section 12(a). What’s the smoothest line to get that hot co-ed laying by the pool to apply sun tan lotion to your back? Covered in sections 2 and 3 (and a photo diagram in the appendix). What absorbs tequila in the system better: tacos or pizza?

The Dad-tona Beach study is summarized in section 5. Chug-a-dad, chug-a-dad, chug-a-dad!

Need more convincing? Then please digest the top five reasons this rule should be added:
1 – Senior year dad captained the drive for the whole 22-hour trip down to Florida (including a perilous blizzard through the mountains of Tennessee) using only a tattered pre-Google Atlas map and powered by a 2 liter of Mt. Dew/king-sized Snickers bar.
2 – He fought alongside the Beastie Boys in ’87 fight. For the right. To party!!!
3 – There’s a Stalin-size memorial statue of him in South Padre Island, Texas.
4 – Dad invented the shower beer concept in Daytona during spring break ‘85.
5 – When judging wet t-shirt contests, dad always factored in GPA, elocution and footwear functionality.