It’s time again to add a new rule to the Official Handbook of Dad. This patriarchal guide, created by the Founding Fathers and continuously updated by the top dads of the day, provides needed guidance and wisdom to dads everywhere.
Ponder carefully, this week’s proposal: Dad is the most powerful Avenger.
In the latest Thor movie (what is it, Thor vs. The Blob? Thor Panther? Who can remember the names of these flicks anymore?) there’s an argument between Thor and The Hulk over who is the most powerful Avenger. In the film it’s ol’ Greenskin, but in the real world it’s dad.
Whether it’s a battle with neighborhood association over shrubbery height and property line encroachment or with the PTA over the kids’ school attire, dad dominates with his super powers. And he doesn’t need some CGI armor with laser gauntlets. No, his superhero garb consists of an old college sweatshirt and some comfy corduroys.
His weapon: an old-school Louisville Slugger Ernie Banks model bat made from northern white ash, daring any villainous raccoon or possum to try and ravage those garbage cans. Just try it, critters, you’ll end up 400 feet down the street. Home run!
Just don’t expect him to show up for Avengers’ meetings, he’s got to pick up some mulch.
Need more convincing? Then please digest the top five reasons this rule should be added:
1 – Dan can start the lawn mower on the first pull 100% of the time and can mow the lawn powered only by a six-pack. Batman? He sits by the pool while poor Alfred mows all those acres on Wayne Manor.
2 – Dad has killed so many spiders around the house it makes Spider-Man wet his tights.
3 – Superman’s Fortress of Solitude? Modeled exactly to the specifications of the first known Dad-Cave which was discovered in the ruins of the Egyptian Pyramids.
4 – The Punisher? Sure, he punished a few bad guys but dad, he’s laid out so many groundings, get to your rooms and other parental disciplines he deserves to wear that skull t-shirt (it really flatters his beer belly!).
5 – Why does mom call him Mr. Fantastic? Well, he will tell you when you turn 21.