It’s time again to add a new rule to the Official Handbook of Dad. The patriarchal guide, created by the Founding Fathers and continuously updated by the top dads of the day, provides needed guidance and wisdom to dads everywhere.
Ponder carefully, this week’s proposal: Only one who is a dad can be a true Big Baller.*
These days it seems like everybody with the slightest trace of past athletic ability and glory fancies themselves a Big Baller. Walking about and talking trash as if they’re a hall of fame GM/player/coach, as annoying as an ALL CAPS text. And yet the vast majority of them are, at best, marginally employed single men who still wear rec specs and headbands to pick-up basketball games.
To be a true Big Baller, one must have the responsibility of a family roster to manage at home, where real Big Balling occurs balancing career/sports/parenting/neighborhood association meetings/etc.
Need more convincing? Then please digest the top five reasons this rule should be added:
1 – Only a battle-tested dad can coordinate multiple and simultaneous drop-offs/pick-ups for his kids’ sporting events and see most of each game and get everyone to post-game ice cream together before a night of Big Baller poker with the guys. Aces high!
2 – Only a DJ dad with his diverse musical background can create an awesome Jock Jams road trip playlist for any sport to get any travel team properly pumped for the game.
3 – Dad can drive a car with a manual transmission. Classic cars are Big Baller cars!
4 – Dad has the rulebook for every sport memorized. Big Ballers don’t lose arguments with officials.
5 – Only a dad can properly rock the mustache/victory cigar smoker look. It’s going to be huge in 2018!
*But not Lavar Ball. Subtlety and humility are two of the most important character traits of a Big Baller, to be balanced in with the trash talk and bravado. Not only is Mr. Ball 100% hot air, he banished two of his kids to Lithuania when they could be hooping it up in SoCal (instead of wondering if wolves will take them in the middle of the night in a strange land). He gets a lower grade as a Big Baller than his shoe company got from the Better Business Bureau.