6 Items Sold On Goop That Will Terrify Dads

December 6, 2017

For the uninitiated, Goop is a lifestyle brand owned by actress Gwyneth Paltrow. It sells items that are definitely not for dads. It’s primarily meant for women, which already will have dads on edge, and it has a, let’s say, very “new age” focus, which is a dad’s nightmare.

We went through Goop so you don’t have to, to dig up six items for sale on the site that will make your dad really need a beer. And yes, these are actual things you can purchase.

Dirty Talk Card Set ($34)

This is terrifying for dads on two whole levels.

First of all, it’s $34 for 14 cards. The only time a dad feels it’s acceptable to spend $34 on paper is if it’s at the local hardware store. And secondly, the idea of 14 cards with, according to the website, “sexy sayings” on them in his household is utterly terrifying for him. If you gave this to a dad for Christmas, he might leave the house and not come back for two weeks out of sheer embarrassment.

Rolex Oyster Perpetual Date Watch ($8,500)

Dads actually have a recurring nightmare where someone gets a hold of their credit card and uses it go to onto Goop and spend $8,500 on a pink watch. Now that they know what Goop is.

They wake up in a cold sweat and immediately call their bank to make sure no suspicious charges have been made. The watch itself is a Rolex, so it’s probably very nice, but yeah, there’s no way a dad is willing to spend $8,500 on a watch, especially one sold by Gwyneth Paltrow.

Rose Quartz Burner + Incense Set ($295)

Every time a dad smells incense burning, he’ll annoyingly chuckle and say, “Looks like someone’s smoking the reefer.”

He’ll get much more upset when he sees that the source of the “hippy smells” coming from your room are coming from a device that cost three hundred dollars. You could buy a good walk-behind lawnmower for that price!

Rose Quartz Egg ($55)

A lot of Goop items have to deal with…let’s say, feminine areas. Areas that dads want to hear nothing about.

So when he sees this egg that is meant to “increase sexual energy” it’ll take him a while to realize the ways it’s supposed to be used. And then he’s going to be traumatized forever. But even more traumatic is one of Goop’s best-sellers, which is…

Elvie Trainer ($199.00)

Just explaining the existence of this device to a dad is enough to scar him for life. The conversation would go like this.

Dad: So what’s this Elvie Trainer thingy? Looks fancy.

You: It’s for pubic floor exercises. You see, sometimes, women…

Dad: If you finish that sentence you’re out of the will.

But finally, the most terrifying item of all is…

Psychic Vampire Repellent ($28)

If you ever want to make a dad say, “What the heck is this? No, seriously, what the HECK is THIS?” you should buy him this.

This is the most hippie-new-age product imaginable. And it’s guaranteed to drive dads crazy. There’s no point in trying to even figure out the purpose for this. It’s just…very strange. Very very “Goop.”

Just the words “gem-infused aromatherapy” are enough to send any dad into a fit.

But, um, at least this doesn’t deal with any…sensitive areas. Thankfully.

Lastly, you want something that’s the opposite of Goop? Try this gem: