Thanksgiving Side Dishes, Ranked By Dads

November 19, 2017

Thanksgiving is a great holiday for dads. They’re not expected to do much in the way of work, because everyone knows that even if they wanted to help out in the kitchen they’d just gum up the works, so all they’re expected to do is sit down, drink lots of beer, carve up a giant turkey, and stuff their faces with more food than would seem humanly possible.

Sure, there’s guaranteed to be some cringe-worthy dinner table conversation, but it’s worth it for all that great food.

And while turkey is the main event, we all know that side dishes serve as the true stars of Thanksgiving. But which side dish reigns supreme? Let’s find out with our official Dad Ranking of Thanksgiving sides.

Honorable Mention: Pies

Pies would naturally dominate this list if it weren’t for one major problem. They are not sides. You eat pie for dessert, not meals, and we as a society reserve side dishes for mealtime and mealtime only.

Since we’ve got different genres of food here, pies are unfortunately disqualified. But between the apple, pecan, french silk, pumpkin, and numerous other pie options that will be whipped up (or, realistically, bought by your aunt from the grocery store) for the holiday season, dads love each and every one of them.

Pies are delicious. No one disputes this.

But now, onto our real rankings.

12: Brussels Sprouts

Even though Brussels sprouts have been going through a bit of a renaissance of late, dads still can’t support them. They have like 30 stories about “how my mom made me eat Brussels sprouts for every meal” in their pocket, and they will never let it go.

And yes, this side dish actually is pretty tasty, thanks to the fact that any recipe worth a damn cooks it up with bacon. But even with the power of bacon, this won’t be making dad’s plate anytime soon.

11: Creamed Corn

There’s nothing wrong with creamed corn. Corn is good, cream is good, but this is the kind of side dish that dads just add a tiny but to their plate, just so they can have a full representation of side dishes. The average dad will eat about one bite of the creamed corn, think, “That was fine,” and then move on to the next side dish.

10: Creamed Spinach

Same as the creamed corn, but creamed spinach gets the nod here because it tends to be less soupy, and it’s a bit more of a different flavor than the rest of the items on your plate. And this isn’t a knock on creamed spinach — creamed spinach is good.

But again, dads and spinach, even when doused in cream, are not going to be steadfast friends. Dad will like his creamed spinach, but he’s not going to want to fill up his plate with it, is what we’re saying.

9: Candied Yams

Sweet potatoes are absolutely something that people (moms) trick dads into eating. And candied yams will always remain the most effective way to perform said trickery. Dads don’t care about yams, but if you bake marshmallows into something, they will eat the crap out of it. Or, at least put a decent sized scoop with a disproportionate amount of said marshmallows onto their Thanksgiving plate.

8: Green Bean Casserole

Now we’re getting into the big hitters. While dads normally shun vegetables in all forms, the humble green bean casserole gets around that through sheer deliciousness. Oh, and also crispy onions. The crispy onions are key. Who knew something as simple as condensed soup, canned green beans, and fried onions could combine to make such a dad-approved side dish?

7: Biscuits

We all love biscuits, dads included. And most of you likely consider biscuits an essential part of your Thanksgiving meal. And you’re right. However, this doesn’t rank higher up because a biscuit on its own is fine, but not essential.

Now, when you use it to sop up the remaining liquids and gravy on your plate, then you’re dealing with a top three side dish. But as a stand alone item? Middle of the pack seems about right.

6: Corn Bread

Corn bread doesn’t have the versatility of biscuits (like, you can pour gravy on your corn bread, but…should you?). What it does have, however, is more flavor and more novelty. Corn bread for many non-southern dads is a special occasion side dish, which makes it a bit more valuable than the biscuit in our side dish ranking.

5: Mashed Potatoes

It might seem like sacrilege to have mashed potatoes, one of the dishes we associate with Thanksgiving, only at number 5, but hear us out!

Mashed potatoes? Delicious. But, no one eats them plain, especially not a dad.

No, a dad slathers mashed potatoes in gravy. If you didn’t have any gravy, would a dad still put mashed potatoes on his plate? Sure! Well, first he’d say, “Wait, why is there no gravy? WHY IS THERE NO GRAVY?” but then he’d take a meager scoop of potatoes and still enjoy it. But on its own, we can’t justify pushing this dish higher than fifth on our ranking.

4: Mac and Cheese

A bit of a dark horse candidate, many families might not include mac and cheese in their Thanksgiving spread. But enough families do, especially in the South and in the West, that we’re comfortable including on this list.

And if you include mac and cheese on a list of things dads like, you know it’s going to have to go pretty high. Mac and cheese is almost a perfect side dish, and frankly just about every dad in America would be happy seeing it on their Thanksgiving plate each and every year.

3: Cranberry Sauce

Now, dads might not eat a whole can worth of cranberry sauce come Thanksgiving, while they’re definitely going to fill their plate with mashed potatoes and, if applicable, mac and cheese.

So why put this so high up? Nostalgia. Dads love to reminisce about their childhoods, and nothing speaks to their youth more than the simple pleasure of forking discs of globby canned cranberry sauce to their plate next to a heap of turkey.

It just feels like Thanksgiving when the cranberry sauce comes out. For that reason more than anything else, it makes the top three.

2: Stuffing

And here we go. Dads love stuffing, especially if it came from inside the bird. That casserole of turkey juices, bread, and whatever the heck else your mom puts in there (dads will only be aware of like, 1/5 of all the ingredients in there) mingle together to make something that is decadent, delicious, and, most importantly, quintessentially Thanksgiving.

It’s so good, there’s only one possible side that can contend with it. And that is…

1: Gravy

The perfect side dish for Thanksgiving. 100% dad approved.

Gravy is not only an essential ingredient for Thanksgiving, it literally makes Thanksgiving better.

Turkey’s a bit dry? Pour some gravy on it.

Have one last biscuit on the plate? Gravy it up.

Mashed potatoes? Well, mashed potatoes are just mushy starch if you’re not dousing that in some delicious rendered fat. Yes, dads love gravy almost as much as they love Thanksgiving, which means they love it quite a bit. And that is why gravy is the best Thanksgiving side dish, ranked by dads.