The National Dad and Family Safety Agency (NDFSA) recently released its often-cited annual report detailing the holidays when Dad is most, and least, likely to almost burn our beautiful home to the ground. The report, titled “When Dad Has Matches,” begins with the least likely and moves to the most likely holidays, offering some very surprising data (and some that’s just plain stupid), regarding Dad and his penchant for unwittingly lighting the walls aflame.
You can read a review of the report’s findings below.
According to the NDFSA, it’s particularly unlikely — even difficult — to catch our beautiful house on fire when Dad is eating pudding directly out of a mixing bowl in his favorite leather recliner. In fact, the agency states that, “If Dad is catching our home on fire on Father’s Day, we have no doubt failed him as his children. He should be eating Tapioca with a wooden spoon, watching the Golf Channel until he passes out, at least 20 feet from any source of flame.” The report goes on to state that, in lieu of a gift, we could consider, “showing some initiative, getting out of the house for once, and catching the house on fire yourself.”
Thankfully for our whole family, the NDFSA says that most of our Easter activities take place in a field faraway from our lovely childhood home. Easter eggs (both real and plastic) have a high ignition point, and fake grass tends to only melt when exposed to a low flame.
“Big handfuls of bunny-shaped candy often slow Dad down on an already easy-going day,” the report states, “but our family should be aware that Dad is quite impressive in his ability to catch moving objects aflame (For more, SEE: The Great Easter Bunny Fiasco of 1996).” The agency goes on to suggest that Mom avoid using the lacy placemats like she did last year, because they look like “a fancy type of kindling, how was I supposed to know it wasn’t kindling?”
Super Bowl Sunday
Spicy buffalo wings aren’t the only piping-hot culprit on this holiest of Dad’s favorite holidays. Last year, our beloved home was nearly charred to a crisp when boiling nacho cheese ignited a plate of stale corn chips in the kitchen.
Officials with the NDFSA suggest keeping plenty of beer around the home so that Dad can extinguish the flames before they spread to the Flat Screen he just hooked up to the wall. Seven-Layer Dip can also double as an effective fire blanket, says the report, but our family should keep in mind that the dip loses its effectiveness after the guacamole layer is fully consumed. (As it is very quickly, thank you very much, Ashley).
April Fool’s Day
All too commonly, Dad’s practical jokes turn into impractical disasters on April Fool’s Day. The NDFSA says that often, he doesn’t consider the consequences of hair-spraying Mom’s head to the pillow. “Unplug your curling iron, Mom,” states the NDFSA report. “This is a day of absolute mayhem.”
Other flammable materials, particularly anything kerosene-based, should be hidden from view from March 18 until April 2. “But don’t put it past Dad to have a few April Fool’s jokes up his sleeve the day after April 1, either.”
Last year, Dad put the trusty plastic tree in the attic and took the whole lot of us to the Christmas tree farm outside of town. Unfortunately for the family at large, Dad also forgot to invest in heat-free LEDs, or a water reservoir to keep the Norwegian Spruce from turning into a Viking Funereal Pyre in the living room, the report said.
“Incandescent bulbs produce heat, folks,” the agency says. “And don’t even get us started on how flammable Christmas Stockings can get.”
“And for the Love of God,” it adds, “don’t let Dad put lit candles in the tree again.”
Fourth of July
When the holiday itself is premised on fire, watch out! says the NDFSA. Its list of most dangerous explosives expanded this year and now includes: Firecrackers. Roman Candles. Flying Spinners. Smoke Bombs. Sparklers. Mortars. Shrieking Ladies. Banshee Rockets. Sun Destroyers. Gun Powder. Dynamite. Dy-no-mite. And when Dad thinks he can jump the family bonfire. “It’s basically the War of 1812 out there,” states the report, “but all the pretty lights and loud sounds are still pretty cool.”
Light beer, is again, recommended to keep the potential for the fire spreading to a minimum.
Birthday candles. Silly String. “It’s not rocket science,” states the national agency responsible for monitoring Dad’s use of the Long-nosed Butane Lighter. “For your next birthday, just be sure to wish for plenty of easily accessible exits.”
Every Thanksgiving, Dad decides to do the turkey a little differently. Around Nov. 1, he looks at Mom and says, “You know what? I’m going to deep-fry our turkey this year.” But, according to recent NDFSA data, Dad always waits until the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to even think about defrosting the twenty-pounder. Some years, the turkey doesn’t explode in a great conflagration of meats, breadings, and scalding oils. Other years, Dad isn’t so lucky.
“Here’s some bad math,” the report states. “A frozen turkey plus a tub of bubbling oil plus a few too many Miller Lites plus three of his fantasy football players in the late game versus Chicago equals certain combustion.”
On its final note, the report adds: “Stay safe out there this Thanksgiving, family. And, always consider telling Dad to bench his players come Thursday night. It’s not only safer for the family and for the house, it’s also safer for his bottom line. Those bums always under-perform on holidays, particularly if they’re playing on the road.”