Video Games Dads Still Rule At (And Kids Don’t)

February 15, 2017

Believe it or not, there was a time when a toy was simply a miniature version of a person, dinosaur or truck. Then came digital versions of people, dinosaurs and trucks. They were called video games.

A few decades later, kids are now joined at the palm to a controller, Nintendo DS or a tablet at seemingly all times. And they’ve gotten pretty good at conquering the digital world. However, while kids may rule at Minecrafting, Calling Duty and Grand Thefting Autos, it doesn’t mean that the VG Universe completely belongs to the young.

Kids must learn there are certain games that will forever remain daddy’s playground. These are just a few…

Tetris

Image result for tetris nes

Upon reading that word, most dads instantaneously start to hear the music in their head.

So while you might be on your 50^th straight quest in World of Warcraft, welcome to the OG VG version of heroine.

This was the game that even some dad’s dads played, and it was the main reason for owning a Game Boy before Pokemon. Kids these days may try to solve gamer puzzles by looking up YouTube play-throughs, but this is Tetris, baby! There ain’t no crib sheet to solve this and the puzzles just keep on coming.

GoldenEye

Image result for goldeneye game

To the Halo Generation out there, 20 years ago, long before Master Chief ever had a sword (that could run out of ammo for some reason), game makers first started figuring this whole 3D thing was gonna stick around.

So they they decided to partner 3D with 007, because what better way is there to celebrate a third dimension than by ripping bullets through all three of them? Also, this was the best way to legally shoot your friends if you weren’t crazy enough for paintball, but not nerdy enough for Counterstrike.

Besides, your computer was too busy dialing up a picture of Debbie Dunning to play Doom or Wolfenstein anyway.

Point is, while youths most certainly have the edge in your modern FPS game, dads will always have an advantage in GoldenEye. Kids have grown spoiled by having the ability to jump, play against strangers online and even use simple strafing techniques.

The clunky, simplistic controls of GE are reserved for a brain that remembers back when James Bond was actually good-looking.

After all, how can a kid handle a video game gun when they’ve never even handled a video game cartridge.

Contra

Image result for contra

Up, Up, Down, Down…

Many a dad knows the rest, but what kid does? Is it fair to use a cheat code against a child? Well, who cares — what are they gonna do about it? Tell their dad?

Paperboy

Image result for paperboy

At some point in time, the person delivering the paper stopped being a kid on a bike and started being a grown man in a van. With no real world equivalent, no kid today can even understand Paperboy. Plus the game requires a bit of actual patience, which modern games have ensured that kids don’t have.

Pac-Man

This holds true for pretty much any arcade game, but dads are going to dominate at all the arcade classics.

Give dads a real joystick (not the puny little thumb sticks of today) or even a roller ball and a pocket full of quarters and watch them go to work. Now that right there is the key…quarters. Dads were good at these games because they actually paid for it.

Now with infinite lives, health regeneration and save points, games are designed to be beaten. Beating a game might as well be a participation trophy. Back then, arcade machines punished humans by being designed to be unbeatable and to make every life count because it cost 25 cents a pop.

Pac-Man was king of quarter extortion.

We now know that there are levels in Pac-Man that can’t actually be played once you get to a certain point because the hardware can’t handle it. The game actually has no final level. Pac-Man was made during a time where losing meant back to the end of the line and the game’s popularity made that even more tortuous. Everything about Pac-Man made this a game that you didn’t want to lose. It also requires a working knowledge of timing, decision making and skill. All traits that no kid can take a power pellet to gain.