Valentine’s Day Gift Fails (Dad Edition)

February 2, 2017

Alright Dads, Valentine’s Day is upon us.

Now for new couples whose love hasn’t seen more than one Olympic season, this probably isn’t a big deal, because Valentine’s Day is still being made into a big deal. New couples make the elaborate gestures and grandstand, but what about the man that has a road-tested relationship?

After you’ve already given her a night involving a horse drawn carriage, named a star after her and created a few kids together, the well tends to run dry in terms of gift ideas for the least manly holiday of all time. (Yes, somehow, International Women’s Day is a more masculine holiday.)

So this is when couples get creative. And creativity is when things can go awry. A few cases in point…

Joined Clothes

Did a conjoined twins clothing manufacturer overestimate his target population, thus giving a surplus that he had to figure out how to market in order to get rid of his overstock?

This would be the only acceptable answer to why these clothing articles exist. Clothes, in general, are a dice roll to begin with.

Getting the wrong size will result in total failure. Now as for these fashion fails, what’s the end game here? How awkward are you going to feel after you successfully get into it with your partner while both of you wonder when is the appropriate time to say “Okay that’s enough, let’s get out of here.”

If this was a Christmas present, it would be one thing. When some relative gives it to you as a gag and you two put it on Christmas morning, while still wearing your regular clothes underneath, for a quick few minutes for a laugh. However, this is Valentine’s Day. Just the two of you, no one else, awkwardly climbing into underwear together. The only audience for the joke are the people the joke is on.

Food Fails

Romantic dining is a big part of Valentine’s Day. However, there is a lot more to this than just combining love themes with food.

For example, candy sounds like a safe bet. It’s sweet and romantic. However, there are some pitfalls. Understandably, food practices around the world vary, but as a citizen of whatever country you live in, you obviously know what your practices are. So if eating insects is not the way of your people, covering them in chocolate is not a good idea.

The Woman Control

If you have a wife that isn’t offended by this, then you probably could also get away with not getting her anything for Valentine’s Day in the first place. So don’t waste your money. For the other 99% of you out there, this ain’t the 1950’s. Unless you really like sleeping on your couch, do not buy this.

Cleaning Supplies

Unless your spouse has a new advanced form of OCD, cleaning supplies isn’t the best way to say “I love you.” Hopefully, we all know that this is a bad idea. However, even outside of sitcoms, this still happens. It doesn’t matter how elaborate or creative the device is, cleaning equipment isn’t something that anyone wants.

Anything Related To Human Waste

Finally and surprisingly, there is way more than one example on this subject. How does anyone think this is a good idea? Sure, comfort with bodily functions is most certainly an intimacy level that ranks very high in the couple’s index, but it doesn’t need to be glorified as Valentine’s Day themed gift giving.