Real Dads Know Designer Clothes Don’t Belong At Daycare

December 16, 2016

As adults, we insist on making every facet of our lives an exercise in social gamesmanship. Sadly, our children’s daycare is no exception. It manifests itself in many ways, like what clothes our kids are wearing, how their hair is cut and what diapers they get to crap in.

Here’s a recent example.

To celebrate Thanksgiving, a parent brought in a play dough container for each of the two-year-olds at our daycare. This thing was decorated from hilt to hither like a turkey. It looked like a high school senior AP art project. Hours went into this. I didn’t even know it was play dough until I furiously ripped it apart on the way home.

The real kicker is we parents weren’t asked to bring anything in for the children. So why did this person? Because this person is an ass. It wasn’t just to make the kids happy – this parent wanted to guilt the rest of us. I thought my only responsibility was to eat, which I am way better at than any of your stupid crafts. But did I get my chance to shine? No.

Don’t rob me of that.

Also, stop running to daycare in your fancy jogging strollers. It makes me angry.

I was hung over nearly every day for the month of October as a consequence of nervous power drinking while the Cubs marched to a World Series victory. If you insist on running, do it at home, in your basement, shamefully, like you’re supposed to.

If I see it four or five dozen more times, I’m putting that stroller in my truck, backing it up to a cliff, and pushing it into the reservoir, laughing all the way. I’m pretty sure my father dropped me off at daycare while his truck was still moving, and in the 80’s if anybody was running with a child you correctly assumed they were being kidnapped, and that person was shot on sight.

I miss that America.

In related news, you don’t need to dress like you came from fashion week in Paris (that’s a thing right?) to drop your kid off at daycare. My mortgage and “tuition” fees at this daycare are roughly the same, so we know how much it costs you.

When my wife and I drop off our son, there is a 100% chance we slept in most of those clothes the night before, and we don’t have time for your runway challenges. Oh, and stop dressing your child in designer clothes to go to daycare. Real parents don’t do that. Especially real dads. I’ve seen your kid — he’s an idiot. He eats paint. They all do. That’s their job.

Too Cool For School. Literally. Stop.

Having them draped in Ralph Lauren isn’t going to make them eat less paint, or glue, or markers. It’s just going to cost you $80 a day in clothes. Then you’re the real idiot.

Enough with the soccer. He’s not going to play soccer — he’s two.

He is more suited to look through the cones than stand in line and kick a ball. Some nazi coach told my kid he wasn’t playing nicely because he wasn’t listening and practicing headers, and instead he was trying to go down the slide, so she put him in the corner. We took him out. We should never have put him in. Soccer is an evil sport. It has been supported by every major dictator and mass murderer in history. My kid doesn’t need to be anywhere near it. It’s unpatriotic. It also cost me $90. He’s two years old.

In one year they are going to ask me for three grand for him to play hockey. Unless Patrick Kane finds me and tells me the kid has real promise it’s not happening. Patrick Kane is also not allowed near my wife.

Our parents didn’t do any of this crap.

Granted, our parents screwed most of us up pretty good, but it’s not because we didn’t wear designer clothes or made all the kids our class turkey crafts. It’s because they were all chain smoking, sleeping on weird waterbeds and M*A*S*H* was the best show on T.V. So they took it out on us. As parents we are all going to screw up; we don’t need to try and show each other up in the process.

By Andy Landgrebe
@andydrebin

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