Neighborhood In Turmoil After Dad Uses The Term “Woke”

September 30, 2017

Residents of New Bern, North Carolina were in turmoil today after neighborhood dad, Richard Spears, was overheard using the term “woke” in a conversation. Spears, who is 54 and had to look up the term on urbandictionary.com last week, sent shockwaves through the community when he was heard saying, “Of course I know who Cardi B is, son. I’m with it. I’m woke.”

Spears, who is most assuredly not woke and works as an insurance actuary, made the statement during a conversation with his 15-year-old son Brandon, who expressed a mix of anger, mortification, and terror. He later told reporters, “Hearing your dad use the term woke…well, it’s very upsetting. That’s all I want to say about it.”

While at first many believed and hoped that Spears was just using the past tense term for “wake up” in a normal context, their fears were confirmed when he doubled down by adding, “Yup, you can just call me Woke Dad from now on. Because I’m so woke.” Spears was unavailable for further comment, though Brandon promises that he will never, ever dare show his face outside of his room from now on.