Mitch Hedberg’s 15 Best Dad Jokes

April 24, 2018

Mitch Hedberg may have passed away too young in 2005, but his humor lives forever.

His deadpan delivery, absurdist takes, and potent one-liners have stood the test of time. Especially among dads. Because, while Mitch Hedberg taught a generation that ducks eat free at Subway, he told dozens of pitch-perfect dad jokes before we even realized he was doing dad jokes.

So in honor of Mitch, here are 15 of his greatest dad jokes.

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

“P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.“

“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping him move.”

“I have no problem NOT listening to The Temptations, which is weird.”

“I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks, it’d be so damn literal!”

“Every book is a children’s book, if the kid can read.”

“I tried to walk into a Target, but I missed.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

“This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’… Which means it’s dirty.”

“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

“I haven’t slept for 10 days, ’cause that would be too long.”

“I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.”

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”

Submit your own dad joke for a chance to win a prize pack of funny dad t-shirts from ClassicDad.co:

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Mitch Hedberg’s 15 Best Dad Jokes

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