Local man becomes first dad ever to buy non-white sneakers

April 10, 2018

Austin, Texas — At first glance, 43-year-old father of four and avid lawn enthusiast Bob Jensen might look like your average guy, but the Texas native made history Thursday afternoon when he became the first dad ever to purchase non-white sneakers.

“Obviously I went to the store planning to pick up my 23rd straight pair of white New Balances, but they were out of my size,” he said. “Typically, I’d jump in the car and drive on over to another store, but it’s been 2,987 miles since my last oil change and I have a strict 3,000 mile rule. Can’t be wasting a few miles on fashion.”

Instead, Jensen spent the better part of two whole minutes looking for a backup pair.

“My goal was to get as close to white as possible, so it was either beige or gray. The gray ones were on sale, so that was that,” he said. “I’ll keep them so clean you might even think they’re white. Or I could paint them. Maybe even power wash the heck out of them until the color is all blasted out.”

While paying for his purchase, Jensen casually asked the cashier “what the damage was,” despite knowing exactly how much the sneakers cost.

Following his monumental footwear purchase, he sent an angry face emoji to his son via text in an attempt to brag, not realizing the icon signified he was upset, as opposed to strong and wise like he intended.
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