Report: Bucket Of Fried Chicken Never Stood A Chance

January 16, 2018

A 10-piece bucket of fried chicken was polished off in about 15 minutes yesterday at the Jones household in suburban Dallas. According to witnesses, the food “never stood a chance” against the family of four.

“The moment I saw Sheila carrying that bucket in from the car, I thought to myself ‘It’ll all be over in minutes,'” said neighbor Amanda Benson. “You can’t put that much fried, meaty goodness in front of a hungry family and expect it to last very long.”

Gary Jones, the family patriarch, agreed.

“Sure, if my wife had brought home a giant salad for us all to share, we’d have some left,” he said. “But you can’t put this drumstick in my hand and expect to have anything left over. Add some thighs and breasts to the mix and it’s a full-on feeding frenzy.”

Still, 15 minutes is at least 5 minutes off the Jones family record, when they ate two whole large pepperoni pizzas in a feast for the ages during Super Bowl 2016.