73% Of Nation’s Dads Tear Hamstring Playing Football In Backyard

November 23, 2017

An annual tradition turned tragic this Thanksgiving holiday when millions of dads across America tore their hamstrings during Turkey Day football games in the yard.

“It’s supposed to be a time for giving thanks, but unfortunately for the vast majority of fathers, Thanksgiving will be remembered for the searing pain in their legs after they tried to outrun their nephews to the mailbox, which is how far they had to go for a touchdown,” said Dr. Emmer Benson of Northwestern University. “Compounding matters is the fact that most dads tried to walk it off and pretend there was no pain, complicating their recovery process.”

Despite attempting to finish the games, many dads were forced to retreat back to the couch, where they drank three more beers and fell asleep after downing about 1/3 of Aunt Julie’s “world-famous” pumpkin pie.