Local Dad Wonders Why Everything Can’t Be Ranch-Flavored

August 5, 2017

What started out as a simple joke turned into a 10-minute lecture to friends and family when 43-year-old Mark Benson mused what the world would be like if more things were ranch-flavored.

“I’m just saying it would solve all kinds of problems,” he said as he munched on another handful of HONCHOS organic tortilla chips. “You think we’d have any trouble getting Jimmy to eat his vegetables if they all tasted like ranch? I don’t think so. Kid hates carrots. Ranch carrots? Game over.”

Benson pointed at his 8-year-old son Jimmy who, along with about a dozen other family and friends, were gathered to celebrate his dad’s birthday.

“Don’t get me wrong, this new shirt is fine,” Benson said, referring to the gift he received from his wife. “I’ll probably wear it to work or something. But it would’ve been better if you gave me some kind of magical ranch wand that could turn anything into a delicious ranch-flavored snack. Boom. Ranch. Boom. Ranch. Like what if you could make the actual air taste like HONCHOS? That’s what I’m talking about!”

According to Benson’s friends, he’s always been prone to random, odd ideas, but the latest fixation on ranch is a bit much.

“I get it, he likes ranch,” said golfing buddy Tom Stone. “I dig barbecue flavor, but you don’t see me lecturing my entire birthday party about it like a psycho.”

“Barbecue? We’re talking about ranch, dude,” Benson shot back as he read the ingredients on the back of his HONCHOS. “Look at this, they can make awesome chips that don’t have any artificial dyes or colors, but you’re telling me someone can’t make a ranch wand? I don’t buy it. If we can go to the moon, we can ranch an entire room if we want.”

Benson later went on to claim nobody had paid him to tell the whole party he loved HONCHOS Ranch Tortilla Chips more than competitive brands. It just came naturally to him. “The fact they gave me free bags of chips has nothing to do it.”

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