Dad drinks 6th beer while teaching kids about fireworks safety

July 2, 2017

Phil Benson of Dallas, Texas prides himself on being a responsible parent, which is why he took a moment between his fifth and sixth beers Sunday afternoon to instruct his kids on the proper way to handle fireworks this Independence Day weekend.

“Go grab me a beer, Jimmy, I want to talk to you kids about fireworks safety,” he said. Once his 10-year-old son returned with a bottle of Coors Light, the elder Benson held up a pack of bottle rockets. “These are not toys. I mean, I guess they’re toys. Adult toys. Not like ‘adult toys’ which is a whole different thing and don’t tell your mother I mentioned that. The point is, you need to treat these with respect. Remember when I told you about the nail gun? It’s like that.”

Benson then took a healthy swig of his beer and produced a grill lighter.

“The key is to use a long reach lighter,” he said. “It’ll buy you at least another second or two, which is critical when you, whoops, I dropped it. Good thing you kids won’t be holding a slippery beer bottle when you set these off. In fact, let me just make you a safe base for these bottle rockets.”

The father of three took a deep breath, then tilted back the Coors Light, emptying it in four seconds flat and punctuating the moment with a loud belch that scared Rusty, the family Beagle. A bit dazed, Benson handed the lighter, bottle rockets and empty bottle to his eldest son, aged 13.

“You kids have some fun now. Don’t aim them at your cousins or the neighbor girls,” he said. “I gotta check those burgers before they turn into hockey pucks.”

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